hmmm I wonder...

Well I am home...it was a great weekend...the guys got one of their race cars out on the track and Larry drove, it was his first time out there but he did a very good job, got 4th. My papa is looking so good, I still worry and probably always will...but thats what grandkids do lol...Ashley starts school on the 10th, man this summer flew by..

Ok so Ashley starts school on the 10th, she got a letter in the mail saying she was in a class of a new teacher, and once again not with any of the other GATE students, I am really really mad...I am going to transfer her, I am so tired of all the crap they put her through. They always put her in the class with kids who barly speak English in order to make the grade average in it look better...well this time I am fighting it big time, I usually say we will make the best of it and do my best to pick up the slack of the teachers, but she deserves better. I will do it tomorrow.

I love going to the race track, alot of people don't get it...I love NASCAR, but live local racing is nothing like that...there are different classes and the racing is amazing. It is a nice family place to kick back yell and scream at the drivers and then go to the pits afterwards to let the kids get autographs, I love it. I am glad that Ken loves it as well and that we have got so much of our family to attend as well, it makes for a wonderful night.

the heat here is horrible, its been in the 110's for way to long, I love winter, wearing my hoodies and cuddling in front of the fire...I am not a fan of summer lol, Spring, Fall and Winter are my thing, I want to move back to Washington where it never got this hot lol not in Forks Washington, I grew up there. Anyways I feel like I am melting, the heat is making everyone grumpy...I hate summer lol

Ken is out of town again for a week. He loves being away doing all the technical stuff, I am happy for him, but I miss him, that and for whatever reason everytime he goes away theres this something in between us...I talk to Ken about almost everything that goes on in my life, but he doesn't talk to me...a learn a little at a time, but its like telling me about his life is an after thought.

The other day we were going through his old pics and there were some of him and his exwife with their son...he wasn't smiling in any of the pics, he looked so young...it felt wierd seeing it, then seeing the pics of him and his girlfriend and he looked very happy...the thing is he has a large past...alot of ex girlfriends the exwife the wife all of this stuff and I am not going to lie it wierds me out, I mean I am sure he told all of them he loved them, he was part of all of their lives, with their children, I mean he has had alot of ex girlfriends...and all kinds of ummm sexual encounters...my past is Ashleys dad and a few boyfriends in high school, I never said I love any of them...I had 1 sexual partner and it was not fun and that was Ashleys dad...I am saying all of this because he talks about his past all the time, as he should, I want to know all about him, but its never the big steps in his life, its always about this girl or that one and things they did togather, how pretty they were and how much he loved their kids and how gorgous their kids were...one thing a woman never wants to hear is that the man she loves still feels all these other women are pretty.

YOu see I know I am sounding petty, and throwing myself a pity party...oh well, I need to vent...The other day Ken was talking about going on a ride with girls and how much fun and all of this and made sure to emntion the girls were hot, it hurt...why, probably because I am insecure...but after seeing pics of his ex-wife and the other ex girlfriend I question what is sexy and hot to him, because niether was what I expected, and both were complete opposites of me...dark hair, wierd ass clothes...then theres me reddish brown hair, skater clothes and all of that...I wonder if thats why he always wants me to wear these wird outfits he likes, because thats what he likes.

I sound like a caty bitch I know, I just feel like that today...my heart hurts and theres something wrong I am not ready to talk about, I love Ken, so much and I want to believe that he loves me as much, sometimes I don't think so, but I want to believe so anyways...I have had alot of reasons to doubt him, and us...but I am still here because I love him...I only hope he feels the same way.

So hes out of town and my mind goes crazy with all these bad thoughts and I don't dare voice them just because I feel I have no right to. So I sit here and cry alone and let it all fester, yup I am offically a looser.

Anyways I will post later right now I have things I need to work on, alone and see why the hell I am being so freaking bitchy...no its not that time of the month, I am just bitchy...and I am hurting and I am not sure why...so anyways I am off to split open my head and check it all out