Well She likes school

but thats nothing new lol...my daughter has always loved school, shes gotten overwhelmed by some of the extra work they give her, but she still loves it...she comes home and talks non-stop for hours on end, and well I love it...

all of my friends say their kids never talk to them, well Ash never stops talking to me lol...its to funny to be in a car with her and Ken...they both are talking to me at once and they both get annoyed with each other for interupting lol...but I love it all...

I am not doing so good today, alot on my mind...I realized today that no one person truely knows me...no one...how sad is that?

I tell people some stuff, but I hide so much more, fear of their pity or rejections...I tuck it into a little place in my mind and try to forget it...but it haunts me at night...

I love Ken so I should be able to tell him right? Nope, I just can't, I have tried, but I can't. I know it hurts him when I am unable to talk to him, it pisses him off because hes not used to it...I have lived a life where I was expected to be quiet...to never talk, and never ever tell people what was going on...

so I keep quiet and it festers...and I get so depressed, lost inside, in a dark place in my mind...I feel alone, but its of my own making...so its my fault. I don't understand why I am like this, I want to scream and let it out, I want someone to know me, to truelly know me...but noone ever will...I am just so trapped in my head...

At night when I am trying to sleep all of it goes all through my head, I never sleep, but when I do I get nightmares, they are bad, very bad, I have work up in tears so many times its just not funny...I read all about other people, and they are all out there, holding nothing back, and I admire them, they are either happy or not...but they talk about it...I get hurt and I clam up...I am a fraud...in a way

Its not that I lie, I would never do that (except to myself) but I just tuck it away and never tell, its a lie of omission...

Today Ken hurt me, not on purpose, but he did...refered to something I thought we were doing togather as his...and he started a race team with his sister and her husband...well at first it was about all of us, but I was forgotten long ago...I am the one standing in tha back saying you can do it, I am proud of you, making the calls...anything he needs, but its not a part of me, its his...

In alot of aspects I am not a part of his life, and yet I am...I mean he wants to marry me, share our lives, but he has his stuff, and thats ok, but maybe I would like a thanks, or a hug of appreciation...nope...

He said thanks tonight, and corrected his word usage...but the damage was done, I wanted to help him, do as he asked and still nothing...

I love this man, and I think he holds back because I do...or whe the hell knows why...Ashleys dad was gone when I was pregnant as a teen...I never dated again till I was an adult, and that was with Ken...so I have no history of relationships, no experience...I just feel like a let down...to him, me, Ash...everyone...

yeah I know I have succesfully depressed everyone, and I am sorry, things are just rough for me right now...I will probably be happy as hell tomorrow, but right now I just can't, I am criing over nothing, I am hurt and sad and I am not sure why...I am lost, always lost, I have no clue how to find myself...I am just so damn tired of living like this...