Come Home Already

Ken has been gone since Tuesday and you would think by the way I am acting hes been gone for months lol...ok ok ok so it was nice to just relax with Ashley and goof off like we used to, and at the same time when the lights go out and I roll over...well the dog is sweet and all but hes not Ken lol...

I took Ashley school shopping today...got all kinds of school material (she will be out again soon lol) and some clothes...when I was little and my mom said school shopping I hated it...it was way way unfair...mt brother David was so spoiled lol...he got everything and I am not lieing at all...all the cool folders and binders I got Peachies and the plastic binder thats 49cents lol...then we would get clothes...I would get socks, undies and 1 outfit to start school...David got it all...tons of jeans and shirts and always new shoes...my mom went bankrupt buting everything David wanted...She ruined him in alot of ways, he would throw fits at 16 in Macys...screaming and crying...then he would storm out, and then she bought him what he wanted...man if I had done that she would have popped me.

I think she was like that because she really wanted him...thats all I ever heard...how hard she tried for a baby, she wanted a little boy...and then he came to them...then they broke up and one drunk night and there was me and my dad split...I was not wanted, I was tolerated.

My grandparents took us shopping also...they would buy me such pretty things...but I was a tomboy and really just wanted the baggy pants and shirts so I didn't fall and get the clothes ruined when on my board...but till I was in 7th grade I was not allowed to wear pants to school...my mom said I needed to learn to be a lady...I didn't want to be a lady at all, I wanted to be just like my big brother...

I was always so quiet...noone in my family knows the real me...and thats so sad...I am a pretty nice person lol and I am so goofy...but as a kid I was afraid to rock the boat, my step dad beat us alot and my mom always favored David and told me so, so I withdrew from them all...you can ask any member of my family questions about me and they wouldn't know the answer...sad thing is Kens family would...wierd huh lol...

So going school shopping with Ash every year is hard on me, I want to buy her everything she wants, I want her to know I would do anything to make her happy...she never really throws a fit over anything, only over books she really wants lol...I know I am lucky like that...so today I am getting her clothes and I know she wants to be anywhere but Wal-Mart...but since my mom works there I get it cheaper lol so I get her 6 pairs of pants and a few shirts...the typical undies, socks and shoes...we get her a new backpack and everything on her list and then some...and I still feel like I let her down...

I know she still needs hoodies and she wants pretty swaeters and slacks to go with her boots...and I will get it all, just takes time...I am not working, I have had several surgeries in the last 2 years and I am always fighting this sickness...so I get dissability...340 a month...yep you heard me right...340...to pay rent, bills and take care of my daughter...without Ken and my mom I would be lost right now...but my baby got alot of nice things and tomorrow I will take her to Kohls to get an outfit and then she is going to the mall with another family member...so I know shes set...I just still feel guilty...

I was in the undies Isle with her and crackin on all the scooby panties and so on and I had her laughing so hard...in the next Isle a girl about Ashleys age was screaming at her mom...I hate you...you are ruining me...on and on...the basket was full of clothes and stuff...but this kid wanted it all...and the parents caved lol...man the memories...if that had been Ash I would have left...I guess thats why I get her more, because she never asks or throws a fit...so I always feel like shes turning into me and I get scared...

Anyways I got the shopping done, I am waiting for Ken to come home and rock my socks lol and we are taking Ash to the book store to use her birthday giftcard to get all her books...so I will see ya all Friday...and sorry for going back and forth on this post lol...well hell its my blog so :oP lol