I am sad

I am not sure why but I feel so down, so empty and so sad...

I know I have been in some sort of depression, and believe it or not writing about it helps...I have this blog, but then I also have my diary...I always write to My Dear Stranger...easier to think someone is out there than to know what you write will never have meaning...

Ken seems alot better, like somethings been lifted from his shoulders...but then again I think hes just happy he got some last night lol...I have been sick and so we have not had any of our ummm special time lol, but I am feeling better and besides my needs just were way out there so I had to take advantage of the poor man...so he had a hard time getting out of bed this morning...slept in till almost 7 and he leaves at 7:15 lol...but he left with a smile.

I don't feel like all manic, just lost...like my emotions are all over the place...so much has happend in my life and I don't think I have stopped to truely take it all in...just feel down, and I am sure later it will come to me...it could also be my severe lack of sleep...in 3 days I think I have had 3 hours total, my insomnia is forever kicking my ass.

I would love to be able to sleep a solid 8 hours...no night mares...no brain over drive...just no thoughts...just sleep.

I love to cuddle up in my bed with my feet popping out towards the fan...cuddled up with a blanket (for the cat to kneed) and my big dog puppers tucked in at my side...I also like to sleep cuddled up to Ken...but there are nights his body temp is so hot I have to get out of bed lol...he needs to damn blankets or a heater ever...I like to be cold and cuddle into the blankets, but with him I sweat lol :o) but its worth it.

This weekend is Kens sisters birthday, we are supposed to have a special diner with her...looking forward to it, I just have no clue where it will be at lol...I am going to go buy here a goofy singing bear...shes goofy like me so I know she will laugh at it...its at Mervyns...its 50 on sale for 24...so I will go for it....heres the lyrics the bear sings lol


When I'm 64

When I get older losing my hair
Many years from now
Will you still be sending me a valentine
Birthday greetings
bottle of wine
If I'd been out till quarter to three
Would you lock the door
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I'm sixty-four
You'll be older too
And if you say the word
I could stay with you
I could be handy, mending a fuse
When your lights have gone
You can knit a sweater by the fireside
Sunday mornings go for a ride
Doing the garden, digging the weeds
Who could ask for more
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I'm sixty-four
Every summer we can rent a cottage
In the Isle of Wight, if it's not too dear
We shall scrimp and save
Grandchildren on your kneeVera Chuck & Dave
Send me a postcard, drop me a line
Stating point of view
Indicate precisely what you mean to say
Yours sincerely, wasting away
Give me your answer, fill in a form
Mine for evermore
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I'm sixty-four

lol its a funny little old bear thats getting old...I found it to be pretty funny...and so I will go ahead and get it for her...

There is no racing this weekend...sad news...they have closed Kings Speedway its a local dirt track...all of our tracks are closing down...one of the most famous is Mesa Marin...its horrible...racing is great to watch and its a great family night out...picture this...14-25 family and friends clustered in bleachers...laughing, eating...standing on your feet cheering for you other family and friends racing...all of you, togather...how awesome is that?

In my town there are very few family friendly things...thats so sad...I love my time with Ashley, we get creative when taking her places...this weekend shes going on a trail ride Saturday morning...her first one alone on a horse...so excited...then we are going to the Greek Food Festival...good music, lots of food and great people (family and friends) its awesome...Sunday is Kens sisters diner and then its home to bed for school...we are not to sure what we are doing Friday night, but I think Ashley is spending the night at his sisters house...Ken is over confirming that right now...

We like to know what she will be doing and so on and so forth no matter where she is...I know I am over protective, but I really don't care...I will always be worried about her, I give her her space, but I am always aware of where she is and what shes doing...its our thing...

Well anyways I have a lasagna in the oven I need to go check on and Kens on his way home...so I will write tomorrow before we go off for the weekend...till then...happy special thoughts :o)