My Past..... I think

Well I know by my title its got some confused, well it all confuses me as well lol. I have no memories of when I was young, I only have facts as said by my family members. I get flashes here and there, but they make almost no real sence to me. I do remember feelings...pain, fear, sadness and trust...I know the negative feelings were to my parents and thier spouces, that I do know...and trust...well that was for my papa and grandma and David, my big brother.

My step dad was not a nice guy, I know he beat us alot, I can remeber pain and I feel pure fear...the papers documented by police say that he hit us with his belt buckle after we took baths, that way we were more sensitive, that he threw away all our belongings for having a messy room, that he locked us in the closet for being bad...we were 3 and 5

He beat my mom and brother the worst...he broke alot of my moms bones and Dad took all he could to make sure I was ok...Bob was a bad man, and maybe I am lucky I don't remember it all...David does though and hes held onto it so long, he will never fully forgive my mom for bringing this man into our lives time and time again...

I have no memories of my dad as a child, he was not part of my life, left before I was born, and then the court forbid him to see me, why I am not sure...so my only memories are as a teenager and adult, of waiting for that drunken man to remember me...to love me...anything...not even to this day has he been a father to me in any way shape or form.

Its hard not knowing your past, not understanding the flashes in your nightmares...Its hard not being able to validate what my brother remembers and my mother denies...I just don't remember. The shrink said its self preservation...ummm ok sounds good to me.

When I was pregnant with Ashley I was at my grandparents when a truck pulled into the back of thier property...they used to run their trucking company out of their property so the trucks would always come their to clean out the trailers...but hadn't done so in years...it was Bob...I went running out back because when the gate was opened my pops dogs ran off, I needed to get them...I was to late...he was just staring at me...I went back to the house for my mom...she came out with me to see if I was right...Bob was back.

He kept staring at me...said he missed me, I was his little girl, I felt creeped out and sick, he tried to touch my stomach, and for the first time in well ever my mom protected me...she grabbed his hand and told him she would kill him if he touched me...I was proud of her...she told him trucks no longer came here nor was he ever welcomed...well Bob was in for it...a pick up pulled in and my Uncle jumped out and grabbed Bob by the throat and put him against the truck...

He told Bob he was never ever to come there again and that he had no problem going to prison to free the world of a child abusing ass hole...they fought...a little...my uncle kicked his ass...Bob jumped in his truck and left, my uncle and mom were worried about the stress on me and the baby so they walked with me to find the dogs...we found Puddles, but her mom was no where to be seen...poor girl showed up 3 days later tore all to hell from the coyotes...Damn Bob!!!!

My Brother holds alot of hate inside him from what happend to us as kids...for my dad leaving us for another woman and her kids, for my mom marring Bob...for always feeling like he was a pawn...he was not fun for my parents growing up because he was so so angry, and still is...but he was never like that with me...just loved me, walked me to and from school, went to all my school things...learned to talk me down when having an asthma attack...he took care of me...when my best friend was murdered he just held me while I cried, just took care of me and protected me...my big brother was my world...I miss him, hes pulled so far away I feel like I have lost that part of me...

Everyone talks about their childhood, I try to...I give details, nothing personal because I can't recall any of it, I wish I did...good or bad I wish I knew what it was like to play with my dogs or to chase after David...or maybe to know love by my dad and mom before they get all screwed up...but my brain decided to hide it all from me. So is all of that my past, is it real...its real on paper but not to me...I can remember emotions, but I don't know to whom really or why...it can be scary and free all at once...

I hope someday I do remeber so that maybe I can be there better for David or to forgive all the pain I feel towards my mom for him...just to get past it all and move on...

My past is lost to me for now, but maybe one day I will be able to remember it and share some great moments as a child not just as a teen...funny thing is I can only remember the pasrt of my life with my dog Petrie...I got her when I was 9 and I remeber all the rest, every moment with her...my best friend, my protector...I miss her so much, we put her down a few months ago, my doc said when I got her I felt safe with her, when I picked her out my mom said she was my dog and she would keep me safe at night (I was afraid to sleep alone) and it worked, I felt safe for once...I slept in my own bed with my dog...lol and my brother from time to time so he could feel safe to...my real life started with my dog...hmmm something for me to think about