Hmmm I wonder

I have been sick going on 5 years now...not just not feeling good, but down right sick, unable to hold mych down, in constant pain and just plain blah...they have done surgical procedures and run tests...and still nothing...

Me being sick has been hard on everyone, and I know it has, I try to hide most of it because they all have other things in their lives to wonder about...I hate being a burden...I hate it more than they know

There are times when I need something...from a new compact to new socks cause all of mine have dissappeared into that special place called "my moms room" but I can't afford it, I get 340 a month and I pay all of it to my mom to cover what I can for living here...so I go without...I never ask for anything...

Sometimes when Ken goes to the store to get us something I feel so guilty I shut him out...I hate that hes struggling to make ends meet and he has to pay out to help me...yeah I know we are a couple, but its still not fair...

My mom got me some new clothes...trust me I needed them...and she made me feel so bad I took them all back and gave her her money back...I could never live with the way she acted...Ken bought me some pants and a sweatshirt for christmas...I know own 3 pairs of pants wooohooo...I loved them, but I still had this part of me thst wanted to scream and shout that its not fair, he needed new clothes to and he shouldn't have to put himself out for me...

I want a job, people don't get that, they all think I like staying home...they are freakin crazy...I want to be out there, I want to be able to afford to move away from my mother, I want to make a home with Ken, a home thats both of ours, not just his...a place that I just stay at...and right now I feel like that when we buy things...he bought the car for us...he had his own at the time so I drove the new one, I hated it, I tried to never go any where except job hunting because it was his car, is his car, it was never mine...

I know I sound retarded and hey thats ok...it is my place to rant, rave and flip out right...well right now I feel like I am holding him back, I am a burden on him and I hate that feeling...I would prefer to always go without then to feel like this or to feel like I owe anyone...I feel horrible, I am histerical and crying and I feel like a piece of shit, everyone else can just go out get a job and have fun, me I can't find one...and Ken can't go out and do the things he loves because of me

I give almost every dime I get to him, most of the time he doesn't realize it, I just put it in the bank...its the only thing that makes me feel better...I earn money doing odd jobs for people, mostly my grandparents...trust me when I say they really put me to work...and I love it, I just wish I felt good every day in order to do more...

I know I am a dork, and thats ok, I just needed to get it all out, to share my feelings of inadeqicey(sp) with someone, even if its just myself...I feel like a loser, and thats hard on me, I had a job when Ken and I first started dating...hell I worked hard...I went to college then worked at the on campus child daycare...I loved it...I hated being away from Ash for so long every day, but I loved it...I need to be a teacher, I need to work with children, I love that, I went to school for that...I love being surrounded by children, but till I am well I can never do that, kids don't understand when you run out of a room to get sick and it happens about 10 times a day, and they don't understand you are exhausted from no sleep because your sick all night, nor should they...

So I am putting apps in every where else...who knows maybe I will get an office job that understands...who the hell knows