Love Hurts

Tomorrow is my birthday...I will be 34. I am not sure how a person should feel when their birthday comes around, but I dread it, I hate attention, I hate people making me the center of attention...I get scared and nervous...and I feel like a loser. I dread holidays for the same reason...theres something in me that's broken, and I don't know how to fix it.


I live in a constant state of sadness, I put a big fake smile on and act like everything is OK...but inside the me, the real me, is dieing slowly...and no one here notices or cares. Its a lonely world when you stop and realize that no one in your life really knows you, no one in your life cares...its hard, really hard trying to find my way in this world, to let people in...I trust no one, and it has allot to do with constant hurts and let downs...


Trust...who can you trust in this world? I trust no one...The one person I am truly close to is my daughter, and I trust her, but I will never burden her...never. Everyone has hurt me to many times to trust, made me feel alone, lost and unwanted.

I believe with all my heart that Ken would cheat on me in a heart beat, I believe if any woman...and I do mean ANY woman offered it up he would go for it...knowing that, living with that everyday is hard, I am always wondering how many lies hes told me, if he has crossed that line already, if this is all just some stupid bullshit game to him, and I take all the hurt, sadness, loneliness and lock it away in my heart, where it sits and hurts and haunts me constantly. I can't talk to him, I have tried, he just lies...he tends to lie allot, even about little things, I don't understand it, I catch him, call him on it and he laughs...does this ever get easier?


I love him, I love him so much, but I can't picture the happily ever after anymore, and that scares me...You give up on love and then find it when you least expect it...you put all you are into it, trying to trust in it in ways you never learned how, and you get hurt over and over again, for what? I have told him so many times that if he wants someone else, something else to just leave, man up and go away, don't rip me to pieces...


I know I am a fucked up person, maybe even difficult, but one thing no one in my life can say is I burden them with any of it...when the physical pain is nearly overwhelming, making me run to the restroom to get sick, I don't complain nor do I let them see how much pain I am in, when ever they want to do something, go somewhere any of it I go out of my way to make it happen. I go without just about everything so no one else has to go without...it makes life suck some days...


I don't know what to do about Ken, I don't know if its worth working on if hes not ever going to make any effort, I also worry that maybe I am the one fucking it up...I know his stupid need to always chat with women and lie about it isn't in my head, but is he seeking them out so much because of me? Are all of my insecurities the reason he may or already has gone elsewhere? I am just so tired of the drama of it all, I don't mind if he chats with girls, hell hes allowed to have friends, but he crosses the line, as do the girls he chats with...the fact he lies about it, hides it and all leads me to always wonder what the hell is going on...he sits outside with the pups at night, the whole time he is chatting, sharing all the parts of his life with everyone else....but me. I seem to cry all the time lately, sitting in the bathroom, in an empty tub, alone...always alone...crying because I have absolutely no one to turn to...who do you trust in a life filled with people who would rather use you, lie to you or hurt you...who do you turn to when you can't even trust yourself...

Love Hurts...hurts in more ways than anyone can even comprehend...

Sneaky McSneak Sneak...

Well my daughter has been reading my blog, and took offense to my last post, wierd since I repeatedly stated her positives just that I was annoyed by small things, but whatever....

See I told her if she went on my blog I'd read hers...well I read hers, and I will never do so again, talk about a knife in the heart, but thats what I get for reading her personal thoughts...but it also showed things need to change...damn her blog broke my heart, how angry she was with me and how being here at home makes her depressed...it hurt, hurts and will probably always hurt.

I am not sure what I wanted to talk about...forgot, sorry...

Ohhh Ken is being a shit, upset at circumstances and taking it out me, as usual...one day I won't be here for all of them to kick around, what the hell will they do then?

Enough pity partying for me....

Introducing my Pets

I am always talking about my many pets so I thought I would share a few pictures of them...

A great collage I have of the dogs and inside kitties :)




And a really blurry picture of my goldfish Cappy :) He is so pretty and giant lol

I will post more pics later...I have pics of all my outside kitties and some very cute pics of my dogs and such :)

Later all :)

Cuteness

Always looking...

Ok so I will start this blog by saying we are all finally better :) I, as always, got hit the hardest with the flu, Ken had the flu for dummies (lol) and Ashley got pretty sick and lost her voice for awhile there. It just has to be said, taking care of other sick people when you are sick is the hardest thing ever, thank god for Ken lol...I could have never done the clean up part with out Kens help.



As you can see I changed my blog look...not sure if its what I want yet, but giving it a test run for now. I just felt that the darker look wasn't where I was at right now...looking for something a little more fun, so maybe this one will stay...who knows lol.



My poor sweet Golden Libby has what is called a hot spot on her rump...poor girl is miserable, unfortunatly she gets one every sumer, its because her fur is so think and it gets hot and icky right there...so she got a nice bath, topical cream put on it (again) and it is starting to look alot better...Leia (Libby's sister) is of course perfect lol...isn't it always like that, when one animal is down the other is great...and then they will switch around on you lol. Puppers hasn't been doing well the last few days, it takes him a very long time to get up because of the arthritis, and hi poor stomach has not been agreeing with him at all...add that to the fact he gets winded easily and I think I may have to make that horrid choice soon...not yet as he still wants to play and hes eating and all, but as his health gets worse I become more aware that our time togather is getting shorter...and thats so hard to accept. My sweet Lady is fine, happy and bouncy as always...but both cats are having ear issues...ughhh to much at once with my zoo.

Ok so as you all know beautiful, intellegent daughter has turned the dreaded 15...well see something happend when she did, she became a moody little turd :( I know its a typical teenage thing, but man she was so easy up till this year...no terrible 2's, 3's or anything...always so sweet and always polite. Ashley now rolls her eyes at everything I say, talks back and tends to lie when it comes to wanting to stay longer somewhere. See its nothing really bad...I mean her grades are still great, she has never been in true trouble of any kind...but these little things are working my very very last nerve. I do tend to look the other way at the small things, but I guess I can't anymore, she is at the point where shes being a turd just to be a turd....ughhhh teenagers can be so damn mean I tell ya! The back talking and rudeness are the worst, I am forever calling her on it, but the last 2 weeks it has gotten really bad, I let her know yesterday that if it continues then serious punishments were coming...I was grounding her...thats torture to a teen...when shes grounded I mean serious grounding, I take away everything as well as not letting her leave...that was my one and only warning. Any tips on how to deal with a teenager with out taking it personal, because I tell ya at the end of the day I am so sad and down and she has made me cry, the things she can say...

I know that all makes her sound like a bad kid, but really shes not, I remember that age, I was a major bitch...but never to my mom, she was struggling so hard for us and I never wanted to hurt her, but man to the rest of the world it was on...I was in fight after fight...suspended way way to many times, straight f's...it was bad, I worry Ash may take after me if I don't handle this right...I always worry she will end up like me...I was such a stupid mess, I want so much more for her...ughhh eye rolling should be illegal :(

Well I will write more later...Night :)

A Work In Progress...

Please stay with me as I try try to update my blog lol...having trouble getting it all right, trying to get my flikr badge and everything is hard lol....who knew a change would frustrate me so badly lol

Been Sick

A few weeks ago I was having massive chest pains, my family was concerned it was my heart since my heart is in bad shape, so off to the ER we went...turns out I have arthritis in my chest, hell I didn't even know you could get it there. I have rhumitoid arthritis, I was diagnosed many years ago...no one warned me that besides my many many aching joints that it was going to be in my chest to...it was crazy painful.

The day after we went to the ER both Ken and I started to get sick...I got very very sick, Ken had like a cold for dummies version lol, it even landed me back in the ER. My fever was 102.8 straight for 2 days (my normal is 97.2) and I could hold nothing down. My chest was so bad and my whole body hurt...I am slowly getting over it, been 2 weeks, my chest is still heavy, and the cough is killing me...but I am on the mend. Bad thing is Ash caught it to, her fever started Wednsday and she is just now feeling better. She may even go to school tomorrow.

Life here has been crazy, as always...the cats are forever playing, and I seem to be their "safe" base lol, so they come running full steam and land on me, talk about painful. One of my goldens Libby had a sick tummy for 2 days, poor baby was so sick, poor Ken had to keep cleaning it up lol. Libby is my girl :) she is so gentle and loving, her sister is my adhd bonus lol...I just hate seeing anything wrong with any of my animals. Puppers is doing good, nightly massages seem to be helping with his stiff joints,, my poor sweet old man...and Lady, well Lady is perfect :)

As you can see my pets are a giant part of my life...my fish are pretty special to...my giant Oanda Goldfish Cappy is my favorite...he is such a goofy fish, hes one of those guys with the big giant growth on their heads...he is beautiful :) but his color is fading? Why we have no clue...from what I have read it may be poor genetics :( My fish in the other tank, we are still trying to find homes for...2 darn fish turned into over 100 so quick lol...Ash wanted 1 orange and 1 black and now we have tons of orange and black fish lol, we took a ton to the pet store to find homes, but now the tank is exploding again...aghhhhhh will it ever stop lol.

Today the power ccompany came to trim my almond tree away from the power lines...they hacked at my poor tree so badly. The tree is ancient and it was so beautiful, my mom put up a fight to stop them, but they got ahold of it anyways...now we are just hoping it doesn't kill my tree :(

Ok and a big problem here lately...possums. they are scary as hell and mean as can be and they are all over my neighborhood...and in my yard!!!!! Last night I went out to play with the feral cats (I love them so) and the kitten Marble was stalking something in the rose bush and out pops this giant possums hissing and it scared the shit out of me...I ran in and got Ken. Now I never wish harm on any animals, ever, but we are running out of ways to keep them away, they carry diseases and I am terrified they will attack the dogs if cornered...creepy things I swear.

Well thats a long enough update for now...I have so much to say but I forget everytime I log on here lol...night all

Me :)

Just a little bit...

So much has been going on, just alot of stress as well as happiness...so I will try to cover some of it :)

The trip To Oregon and Washington was amazing, we had a blast. We stopped at different small towns all down the highway, it was so cool. As many know I grew up in Forks Washington and loved it, we went back last year and it was so nice, Ash loved it...this year it sucked so so so bad!!! Everything there is about Twilight, I mean everything...the town kind of dissappeared, it was so sad :( Lincoln city was amazing as always...its so wierd how beaches can look so different in different places, you would think a beach is a beach lol...

Ash and I had fun, but it was nice to be home :) Before the trip to washington we went camping and I hurt my toe, the infection that set in was so painful, it bothered me all through the vacation and still hurts, but now I hurt my other toe as well and its infected...this sucks so bad...I walk like a freak I tell ya. Oh and did I add I have a bone spur on my heel so walking on it is crazy painful as well? Lol man am I screwed up. I am on antibiotics again and in 2 weeks they will do a surgery to fix both infections completely, thank goodness lol.

Kens niece Ashley had her baby :) Oh man she is perfect...so beautiful, with a full head of hair lol...she is going to come stay with us for awhile, its sort of stressfull to think about but I look forward to it as well. Hard to take care of someone else when you are having trouble taking care of your own. Money is tight, crazy tight...but we will make it work, we always do. I will be glad when she gets here with the baby so that we know they are both ok, so we can see for ourselves that all is ok in her world. She is an amazing person, she is happy all the time, laughs non-stop, way smarter than she gives herself credit for, but like all good girls she falls for guys that aren't worth shit...anyways...wooohoooo I wanna see the baby :) lol

My brother and his girlfriend broke up...now the reason this is news worthy is because he keeps saying she was the one, hes all depressed, but the dumb ass left her...she is a single mommy(I told him to go slow especially with a little one) and when she told him they needed a true commitment, he ran away like a little girl...ughhh hes an idiot, a big one. I don't think there is any going back either, he blew it...poor David.

Well there is still so so so much to write about but I am so worn out, so I will let you all go for now lol...hope everyone is doing good...byeeeee