******SEXUALY EXPLICIT******

Ok this is graphic for me so if things like this bug you don't read on please....

Ok here goes, I am very shy and hold back when it comes to certain things...when we are making love I think I need to cover up so he doesn't see me...I am ashamed of how I look and I know it affects how I am with him...

I have so little experience in sex that its not even funny...I was with Ashleys dad 1 time and yes I got pregnant lol...after him there was no one till I met Ken 7 years later lol. I get nervous and all wierded out that I might not satisfy him, and I feel bad that he has to look at me naked lol...I know I sound really dumb, but my self image is so shot...I have just gone wild with him, and it was great...but I just get worried that I am not worthy of him...yes I am a dork, I realize this lol

Don't think I don't want to just go wild with him, that I want to be the girl I know he wants, I just have a hard time doing it, I see myself and I hate what I see so I convince myself that he sees me like that as well, but the reality is he must find me to his liking otherwise we wouldn't have the very active sex life that we have lol.

There are times I know he wants me to start something, and I really want to start something and I don't because I have no clue what to do, or have the courage to just do it. tonight he asked me what my fantasies were and I told him I would tell him some day...lol I chickened out even about talking it out lol. I love this man like crazy and trust me we are very active lol, but there are so many other things for us to do and experience togather...I want it all, I want to experience it all with him...I hope to be with this man for the rest of my life so you would think I would loosen up some, its just hard for me...being over weight is just destroying how I look at myself, but then again even when I was to to thin I thought I was fat...so I will do what I can to shake this feeling of inadequacy and love him the way I want to, the way he wants me to...

I know this is the funniest post ever because it sounds so retarded and yet it is how I feel, I am so goofy, sad part is I am blushing all the way to my toes just typing it out...

Last year when we went camping, he woke me up and I never thought to hold back, and let me tell you my silly man had a grin for days after that...lol I wish I could do that for him every time...I dream of perfect settings, I think of how I wish I could be, I just have a hard time accepting myself and being proud of who I am...but I have come a long way from where I was, I know my past also causes me to hold back, at times my mind goes back to a night I wish I could forget and it makes me almost stop...life just isn't fair...anyways thats all I can say for tonight because I have embassed myself enough for a few years with this post lol...and Ken if you read this I want you to know I love you and I am thankful you accept and love me even if I am a screwed up psychopath lol ;) love ya dork