Change...

I was watching that Mtv reality thing about wanting a famous face, the girl thinks if she has a smaller nose that this guy will fall for her, its sad, but I know the feeling...if I could change something about me I would change it all...

I look in a mirror and I hate what I see, I know I have said that before, but I truely hate what I look like, I always have, when I was little my Uncle asked who I looked like, I said my dad, and he said oh your dad has chubby cheeks to? I was 13 and 80 pounds...it started or pushed my starving myself to a whole new level...when I was 17 I was 98 pounds...thats sad I wore a size 0 or I bought kids pants...that was till I got pregnant lol...when I got pregnant I got very sick, and I wasn't active like I had always been and I got to 120...as if that wasn't bad enough when ash was a year old I got very sick and was hospitilized for 10 days, it was so bad, I was pumped full of steroids and on them for a long time, and I blew up, and now I can't seem to lose the weight...I am so fat its disgusting, the sad thing is when I see my large friends I think how pretty they are and how lucky they are to love who they are, I hate myself...its a physical blow, I hate myself that much...when I go to the stores to try on clothes I come to tears because I hate the sizes and I hate when things don't fit...to go on all of those big diets and stuff you have to be able to afford the "good" food for yourself and still get your family their food and I can't afford that at all, trust me...and doing exercise is so hard, I can't walk around my neighborhood, its just not safe and when I do exercises in my house my dog thinks I am playing with him and tackles me lol, but I have lost 30 pounds since I met Ken, I was alot bigger when I met him, I was 200...and since I am so short it looks worse...

If I could change things I would make my thighs smaller, my hips smaller, my stomach flatter, my butt back up where it should be lol ;) and I would get a boob lift, lol gravity sucks...I would also get my crooked broken looking nose fixed lol and I would find away to fix my fat face lol...the thing is, Ken says I am pretty and when he looks at me a certain way, for a moment I believe him, then my brain kicks in and corrects me...reminds me that I am fat and gross and just ugly, in all my life 3 people have ever said I was pretty lol how sad is that...Ashleys dad, my friend JD and Ken...my dad always said negative things, and even when I was to thin my mom would talk about my weight, tell me what looked bad on me, I was always compared to my brother, hes always been thin, never had to work at it...

If I could change I would, I want to see my self as beautiful, I want to look in a mirror and smile not cry, I want to feel like I am pretty so that I can feel more secure...I want so bad to be normal, I feel like people see me the way I see myself and I get so self concious...I want to look different, I want to be pretty...so yeah if I could change I would, thats kind of sad, I was even considering not eatign again to lose weight...I might, I don't know...I do know I want to look different, or maybe its all in my brain, I don't know...anyways...I don't want a famous face I want a normal face :o(