Still Hurting

Well I know everyone wanted me to talk to Ken, but it happend the other way around...Ken came to me...he knew I was hurting and told me it all...

He told me everything, doesn't make the pain stop, but it helps us to be ok...he said he didn't tell me cause it would hurt me, and the last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt me...

He tried to talk alot, but I was crying and got off the phone...we are not A OK right now, but we will work on this. When we first got togather I asked for 2 things...honesty and to never ever cheat on me (honesty)...

I wish everything was perfect all of the time, I wish I never had reason to doubt him, but I guess nothing is ever perfect...we have had problems, like everyone, but I am not everyone, I am Carie, the person who stayed away from relationships for 7 years...didn't date or anything...avoided being hurt at all costs...

I am the girl who went through hell since the day she was born, the one that learned the hard way that when love goes wrong it hurts...physically, emotionally and mentally...

I asked for honesty from the begining, I was so afraid of being hurt again, but I never ever held my past hurts against him or let them color my view...I never made him pay for others mistakes...I went trusting him completely, only things have made doubt a painful thing, I didn't want to ever doubt him, but I have...

We have worked hard and long to get all the trust back, to be ok in the end...we were happy, till now, I hate that he lied, I hate that he hurt me again...I love him, and I know he loves me, but I need honesty the way people need air, I need stability the same way...

He forwarded his reply to her to me and it helped, but it still didn't fix my heart. We will talk, and we will work on it, but he can never do this again...I can't doubt him, its just to hard...and they are going to keep in touch...thats hard for me, just because of her letter, it makes me hate what I know they will talk about...shes on his yahoo now...so I guess I will have to wonder if hes chatting with her...I will have to talk to him, maybe...I just need us to be ok, but not if its not right.

I love him, and thats huge for me, I can't even begin to explain, but I won't stay where I am not wanted or where I am hurt...we will work on this and in the end I hope we are ok...

Thank you all for the encouragement and letting em know there were people out there to turn to for help, that means so much to me...I will always return the favor, I will always be here for anyone who needs a friend...thank you all