Bah Humbug

No matter how hard I try I just can not get into the christmas spirit...

Things have been rough this year for alot of reasons, but I guess its really that I feel bad that Ken has had to take on so much with me being sick and trying to make christmas good for the kids...just been hard.

I know have been complaining alot lately and for that I am sorry, my head is just not in a good place right now...

Ken and I are doing better, I still hate the fact she is going to be a part of his life, through messaging and phone calls, I am not so nieve that I think she is just going to go away, and I know they share a bond, and he loves her daughter, but it still hurts...

Ashley is doing good...she asked for very little for christmas this year, she knew things were tight, I hate that she looked for cheap things, Ken and I did everything we could, getting almost everything she wanted, but it still makes me feel bad...I guess thats just who I am...

My dad is being an ass...well hes always an ass but this time I am not so ready to forgive him...I let him know that if he wants to be a part of Ashleys life he needs to be consistant of to go away...I hated the way he came into my life when it was convienant for him and then forget I was alive the rest of the time...stupid drunk, would rather be in a bar then with his kids...but I do not want him to hurt Ashley the way he always hurt me...

Ok so I am jumping all over the place...thats the way my mind works...and I am sorry for that...

Last night when I was laying iin bed, I was not feeling so great, I was all upset and not really sure why, I just feel useless, I feel like I am a hindrence to everyone...I know its just cause its the holidays, but I still feel like that...

Well anyways I am gonna go play with Ashley...so I will write more later when I can make coherent sentences..