I am Scrooge

I am sorry but thats how I feel...I keep trying to get into the christmas spirit, but I can't...

Things just seem to be going all wrong, no matter what I try to do I just can't make things ok...

First off I feel like I have let Ashley and Ken down, I have depended on him for so much, and its not his problem its mine...Ashley didn't ask for alot, but it all adds up, plus we got her a FIREFLY cell phone so she has a way to contact us when she needs to or in case of emergencies...they are pretty cool, made just for kids, she can't dial out lol just to people programed in...wooohoooo...

Things here at my house are getting worse, my mom is being just horrible to everyone (its a holiday thing) shes rude and hurtful and well since shes my mom...shes a BITCH!!!!!!!!!! She fights with everyone, has stupid little put downs, and makes promises only to break them...mean old ogre...

We went to Kens works christmas party...Ken was dissappointed, not what he expected at all...and no bonus as promised...he deserves so much better than what he gets where he works...and some day he will get it...thre was a moment at the party that sucked...yep I am telling on Ken, when his co-worker asked my name Ken called me Tracy...ok so here is my rant...UGHHHHHHHHH my name is CARIE already lol...just before that another guy he worked for had introduced his wife...Tracy...so I fargave, although the jokes made it a little uncomfortable...but it was a mistake and I honestly wasn't mad, a little embarassed maybe, but not mad...

I have yet to get Ken anything, I feel like a bitch for it...I have no job, I am sick...all the damn time...but I got 20 bucks in the mail from a secret Santa so I am going to get him something, I know its not much, but I will make it special...just have no idea what yet...

I want a new cell phone, its my upgrade time and I hate that all of them cost a freakin fortune...I want one that takes pictures and plays real music ringtone, the one I like is 99 as an upgrade...it does what I want and is a better model than the others, but I am thinking I will stay with the crap I have for now, Ken wants to get me a new one, but I think things are just really tight right now and its not fair of me to want anything at this point...

Has anyone ever dreamed of dieing...like not an accident, suicide...I have...before Ashley I attempted suicide, but I was thankfully found and ok in the end, but the depression that led to it is still strong in me...I love my baby girl, she is amazing, and I love Ken so much it hurts...but there are so many times lately I imagine there lives without me...Ashley not being so sad and worried when I get sick, Ken not having to always put himself last for me...I imagine stupid stuff liek that alot more lately...no I will not kill myself, I just hate that I am even at that point in my life...

Things are not ok with me, I am hurting all the time, my knees are so bad its unreal, it hurts to just walk at times...but its my secret, I am back to loosing everything I eat and there are days when getting out of bed is the hardest thing ever...but I don't complain, or I try not to...and I do not let anyone see how bad I feel 99% of the time, its my burden, not theres...

I want to get well so that I can go back to work (I have always worked till recently) I hate not doing anything...being home alone all day, not having a pay check, and not feeling that since of selfworth...

Well I guess thats why Christmas sucks for me this year...because I feel like I have been a drain on everyone, and because I am lost in a dark place inside, but not to worry I will find away out, I will maybe even look for help...anyways...

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL MY BLOG FRIENDS :o)