wondering?

well yesterday I talked to Ken for less than 1 min...see since we don't live togather we have the phone and computer and so on for those weeks or nights we can't see each other...

I miss him at times like this, but last night he got on line, for over an hour and never spoke to me...I was a little stunned...I don't think its as hard on him as it is on me to be apart...

I know I sound like a baby, but this has been going on for awhile...even when we are togather there is very little conversation...and he seems ready to argue at the drop of a dime...I have no clue if something is bothering him or if this is just a phase or what...alls I know is it hurts...

I look forward to sharing my days with him, to listening to his day...even when I have no clue what hes talking about (he works with computers and installing networks and such, way over my head)...there are times, when I know hes doing something that has him all excited that I go to google and look it up so I know what it is thats important to him...I want to be a part of his life and to know what makes him happy and what hurts him...

there are days I don't think thats what he wants from me though...that I am sometimes alone in that...

I know he feels like I am a drain at times, and I am trying to fix that...its just hard when I have more bad days then good, I can't expect him to do things for me or to support me...I never ever tell him when I need something unless I am at a complete loss...I never ask him for something if I can avoid it, and its because he works hard for his money and I have no rights to any of it...when we go places and he always has to pay it hurts so bad...I hate that I feel this way...

I know I have said alot of this before, I know I sound like a broken record, but its how I am feeling...I wish I had more better days health wise then bad...I have been feeling worse more so lately than good...and I know I ask alot of him...I just worry, that I am just to damn much for him...I want to be able to offer him more...to show him my love more...or to be what he needs.

I don't expect people to understand whats going on in my head because hell I don't get it at all...I guess I just truelly felt hurt yesterday that he called spoke to me for a sec and then that was it...I could have typed to him, but when we talked on the phone he felt so distant...

Ashley was up all night with an ear ache so I have had literaly no sleep in 48 hours, I am so damn tired...my body hurts and I am worn out physicaly, emotionaly and everything else...so I am going to go lay down and try to sleep before another long night comes upon us...