Whatever

well it has been along few days for me...I am so tired, my eyes are on fire and my head hurts...I took a small nap this afternoon, but that only made my head hurt worse...

Kens nieces came in from Texas on Wed, and so I agreed to babysit Thurs and Fri...see I watched them at Kens house in Clovis, but still had to get my daughter to school in Fresno lol...so I took her to school at 7:30, ran Ken to work, and got the girls, then we had to go get Ken for lunch and take him back...then I had to go get Ashley from school and then get back to the house for the other 2 kids lol...its been long, then on Sat 3 of his nieces and 3 nephews spent the day with us lol so it was a long day...the youngest girl Catie stayed the night with Ashley then left this afternoon...don't get me wrong, I loved every moment of it...we have missed the girls alot, they are Kens sisters step kids, so we only get to see them on summers lol, but they are great kids and they are so funny...the boy, Cody, won't be here till July first, also the first day we go camping...we go every year for the fourth of July weekend, we are going on the first and will be back on the 4th in time for fireworks.

So since I have insomnia, and am used to getting a little sleep during the day, I have been running on no sleep to very little and it has taken its toll on me. I was also a little lazy this weekend, I didn't do my hair or wear any make-up, just relaxed, but I don't think Ken was happy with that at all, he looked at me different, and sort of treated me different. For about a week now Ken has been a little off, I am not sure why, I know hes stressed with his job and that hes tired, and all of our alergies are horrible, but theres something different and I am not sure what it is, but I hope I find out. I had a dream last week that Ken and I broke up, that he wasn't happy any more so we went our seperate ways, it was not a good dream. In my dream Ken was with another girl, and she made him happy in ways I never could, and it hurt, it was a physical hurt that woke me up, I know it was just a dream, but its stayed with me, I have an over active brain I guess lol. I never talk to Ken about any of this, I am a chicken like that. Lately he has been alot different with me in a hundred ways so maybe I am just imagining things, but its wierd...he doesn't really talk to me anymore, that sounds goofy since we spent a whole week togather...to be togather all the time, and not communicate is wierd, and I know I didn't help, I shut down as well...

This past week me and my mom had a rather large fight, first one in front of Ken, but he saw only the worst in me, shes sneaky like that, says the meani=est, hurtful things when no one else can hear, but makes sure they hear what I say to defend myself, I know I looked bad, but he knows nothing of what she was saying to me...

My mom has always made me feel like I wasn't worth much, like I was nothing and she had to put up with me...as a kid I did everything to make her happy, I was forever cleaning and she would scream at me and say I did a half ass job, she always told me I was fat, no one would ever want a fat girl, she told me I wasn't wanted, that I was an accident...the things she has said have destroyed a part of me inside that I can never recover, she has hurt me worse than even she relizes.

When my mom found out she had breast cancer, I took care of her, even after everything, I never batted an eye at helping her, I never thought twice, but since I have been sick she has made things so much worse, I wish I could leave here so bad, but I have no job, to sick to work, I get disability pay and it is not very much at all, so I am stuck here...life can suck sometimes, but I do try to make the most out of it.

I often dream of having a nice house and land so Ashley can have her horse, I see it so clearly, but I know it will never happen to me, just not meant to be...I just hate things right now, I will make a change, people will see...I am going to make life ok for my little girl, shes so amazing, and beautiful, and I want her to have everything I never had...and I will die trying to do that for her, shes my heart and soul and I would give anything to make life good for her...

Shes been a little on the cranky side for awhile now, always arguing with me, always upset at people, she cries at the drop of a dime and has the ability to hurt people and then walk away like its nothing, that disturbs me because I am the complete opposit, I think my moms influence is truely hurting her, that scares the shit out of me, I want my daughter to grow up a nice loving woman not a mean spitfull one like my mom, I spend all my time with Ashley, but I guess I am going to have to keep her away from my mom better, we may all live togather, but I can do it lol, trust me I mastered it as a kid lol...

anyways aenough of my frazzled ramblings...later people :o)