Deep Calming Breath

I am alot calmer today, still confused over everything this weekend brought, but calming down...

This weekend just tore me up emotionaly, I am not sure what all to say or do at this moment...I only hope things start to look up for everyone involved.

I am still very upset over the moving out subject, I hate that I am the one holding us back from having what we want...I hate that I am messing up Kens life. He deserves the best and I am not the best lol...when we were looking at the place he wants to move to we both saw so much hope and possibilities...and then going over all the bills the reason we can't move on is my fault...I have no job...I am a loser, its that simple. I have not worked for awhile because I have been so sick, but I still feel like I have let everyone down.

Last night I felt like I was falling apart, all the stress of the weekend and the look in kens eyes when he was looking at the bills just hurt me so bad. I am madly in love with Ken, and I hate that his dreams are not happening because of me...alot of people will think I am being to harsh on myself or so on and all of that, but they don't know...before me he had all kinds of fun, and hes lived all over the place...he was happy...but then theres me...sick for the last few years, no job, and alot of baggage. I am no prize, and I saw it in his eyes last night, there was a spark about moving in to this place and then when he looked at the out going money the spark fizzled out, and its my fault...I always swore if I ever started to hurt him or bring him down I would walk away, I just never thought I would fall this much in love with him...I don't want to walk away...so I am going job hunting, and I am going to start changing alot of things about me.

I want to find that place inside a person that lets them be happy with themselves, I want to be ok with who I am...I just want to feel happy with who I am, to be proud of who I am and everything I have survived...I don't like how I see myself, I know its not healthy...I know people read what I write and think I am pathetic or something, but I don't want that, I don't want people to over analyz what I write, I write this all for me, so that I can learn how to find my "happy spot" inside myself.

I hate that Kens life is not going forward because of me...

I am off to lay down with my dog and watch labrynth with my daughter...I will deal with the rest of the world at a later date, right now I just want to cuddle with Puppers and have ash with us and dissappear into the TV world for a bit lol...jeez I am a dork, but thats ok...being a dork is a great thing :)