My Brother

My brother is an amazing person...he is so full of life. He is the opposite of me in so many ways. He was my best friend growing up, he always took care of me...when I was hurt he found the band aides and fixed me up, when I was in the hospital and the docs wouldn't let him in he sent me hundreds and hundreds of notes and taped messages...My big brother got me through so many tough times in my life...he kept my step dad from hurting me as much as he wanted to, he made sure no one ever hurt me...he learned how to talk me through my many asthma attacks...and he taught me how to skate.

My Big Brother David is dieing...he has a rare form of cancer...the docs said he would only have 2 years, that was 7 years ago...thats my big brother...the fighter.

David has always been mt strength, the person who cheered me on no matte what was going on in his life...David has always found time to sit in the kitchen with me at the end of a hectic day as teens to talk to me, see what was up and help me out...as an adult he never rushes through my phone calls, he is always willing to listen to me, and to help me up when I am down...

I miss my brother...he is still alive but has with drawn from so many people...I guess he feels like if hes not emotionally involved it won't hurt as much when leaving...hes wrong...every day hurts more than the first...I still talk to him on the phone often, but never to deep, he won't let it go there...My daughter misses her Uncle David more than anything...

The night I gave birth was so hard for me...I was 17 and scared...after I had her they let my brother in...he held her, didn't want to share...he just stared at her, smiling this silly smile...the nurse said what a proud daddy...my brother said with the biggest smile ever not her daddy I am her Uncle David...there was a special bond there...

He came over all the time in the first 5 years, just sat in her room with her playing...she loved it, him and my papa were the only men in her life...he was her idol...we knew he was sick then...he has bad days and good, then he just shut down...we lost part of him and no one knew what to do...I miss him so much, Ashley is afraid of him now, afraid to get to close or he will leave again, shy and unsure...but she tries...he gets her daddy's day presents...and she calls his voice mail often...

When my brother was diagnosed with cancer I was shocked...why him? He is all that is fun, he is so full of life...just starting to discover himself...he didn't diserve this at all. We had a hard life, he was my rock, my best friend...he was like a dad, brother friend and teacher all in one...its not fair

When my dad was diagnosed with testicular cancer I didn't feel bad...I am not sure if thats mean or not...I love him, I do, but I don't really know him...there were many an akward weekend forced on us but never a real emotional bond, I think he tries, hes an alcholic and is wierd, I was sad for him, but I don't think it ever fazed me...

Then my moms breast cancer...wow it was a shock, my mom and dad and brother...was it bad water or what? My mom went through the Chemo, radiation and then chemo again...she was so sick but refused to miss work, shes a fighter...we don't have a great relationship, I love her, I would do anything for her, but theres still alot of anger...

David was what got me throguh so much...but he wasn't ok even when he wanted to be...suicide attempts, running away, but always trying to save me...acted like a clown during my depression, held me and cried when I hurt myself...it hurts that we went from that to this...not quiet strangers, but not really friends...I want to let him know how much I hurt, how much I need him...but people tell me thats selfish, that I had no right to put my problems on him...I need him, my big brother...David is handsome...small sort of 5'6 very thin without looking to thin...its wierd...his muscles show...skater boy at heart shows through always...

David if by some wierd twist of fate you read this please never ever doubt my love for you...I worry, all the time, I need to know whats going on...what the docs say...anything...please let me in!!!!!!!! I love you...thank you...you were the reason I made it through childhood, you protected me, took care of me...I love you David and I am so scared that I will lose you before you pass away, I need you so much...just let me back in please...

My brother David is amazing and the world is a better place just because he exsists...I love him so much...the words alone don't really even begin...David we all love you