San Jose

Ken left for San Jose tonight...the other night right after I posted he was home from work and we were watching TV...the phone rang...Hello? It was my friend Anthony...long distance...hard to hear...I left the room...Ken got mad, "I am going outside, you can have the room"...

I hang up fast with Anthony...Ken I only left the room cause I couldn't hear...

I think its ok, we go back in...brrr its cold...his phone rings...he never says who it is, he called them earlier...they were returning his call...someone he knows in or around San Jose, seeing if they would be home for him to visit...I leave the room, hurt, he stays on a long time...gets off, never says who it is...I don't ask...I hurt...

He goes to bed, I stay up on the couch...reading...Romance novels...3 a.m. I go and crawl in bed, but he pulls away in his sleep...I cry, he never notices, I fall asleep at 5.

I wake him up at 6:30 to get ready for work...we have to be quiet not to wake Ashley...she gets to sleep in, shes on spring break. He gets ready, not really talking to me...packs his bag and leaves...the night before he says hes gonna get a hair cut then come back here, I could wash his clothes for him...but hes packed and leaving...muahh a kiss good-bye, I lay down and cry...

An e-mail...I write that I was sorry for the phone call, I left only to hear...he says he wasn't mad, and he went home to get ready for his trip...we are ok...I think...

we never really talk that day, nor today...he left his phone here...so he comes to get it before leaving...comes in gets it, hugs me then leaves...he called...hes there safe...I say a quiet thank you to GOD for him making it safe in this weather...says he will call back after he watches Idol...never calls back...my heart hurts...my head hurts...my insecurities are bad...

When he was at school at DeVry he was very close friends with a girl there, she paid for all kinds of things for them to do...he joked about it with me...we wre a couple yet not a couple...I am here, living my life, waiting for him to come home...being the faithful girl, the one who loves completely...he goes out...alot...has a seperate life...comes home when he can on odd weekends...tells me he loves me....I love him...we make love...he leaves and I seldom hear from him...alls I hear is we are going here we are going there...she says this...she says that...I listen and I laugh and I hang up...I cry and I wonder if hes coming home at all...

I got asked out alot while he was gone...I didn't go...I was and am in love...but he had fun...lots...the girls try to take me out to cheer me up...I hurt to much, they say forget him, I love him, I need to believe he loves me...I need to get a backbone and talk to him, but I am to scared to...to unsure of myself...so I wait...we go ge him...help him move home...shes there....a big girl...not nice to me at all, ignores him alot...she talks shit when we walk away...I hear it...friends? I wonder...

He still hasn't called, but I wait, hes in a hotel and I believe hes alone...hell I know he is...I know when he gets home I will be ok...we will be ok...I am scared because of an ad...that reads..."looking for discreet fun at lunch"

I love him, I need him to know that...he is a wonderful man, so smart and so funny...and he makes Ashley feel wanted...I am lucky, I know he loves me...but I don't know much about his past...I am learning slowly...bits here, pieces there...I love him...he loves me...it will be enough...I am happy, but I am not...where do we stand...togather in the end I hope...I am so in love, but so unsure of myself, so scared of not being enough...I hate myself so it makes me doubt who would really love me...I don't mean to doubt any of it, but I have been so hurt, and I hate myself so I doubt...DAMN MY STUPID MIND...I need a friggen shut off button lol