Night and Day

Well its been a few days since I last wrote to you...Ken had his surgical procedure and all was well. I was so scared, the idea that I could loose him before we really get to start our lives togather, it was a terrifying thought. When the doc came out to talk to me and said Ken was ok, not out of danger but ok...I cried so hard...I love him so much. When I was taken to his room I never left his side till it was time to go even though I was sick and so so so hungry lol...he was not a happy patient...he wanted to go home so bad. Ken is someone who would rather take care of you and not the other way around. I still worry about him, hes so worried about everyone else that he forgets to take care of him, I do what I can without freaking him out. He is a wonderful man and I love him and I hope like hell that he gets healthier, I think for me to help him I need to get healthy to...I need to anyways...

Well since I updated you on Ken...on to Ashley. She goes to the county judging of her history day project on the 19th and she is so nervous...she brought home her science award today for going so far with her project...my daughter is so smart, and wonderful and beautiful and yes I am a proud gushing mommy. In all reality she is a great little girl and I lucked out with her. I was so afraid that I would mess up and she would pay for it since I was a young mom, but it worked out great, I play with her all the time and I have been reading to her and being read to since the day I was told I was pregnant...she used to go through those books of math and words and stuff as a kid the way most kids went through coloring books. When she was 4 she was reading War and Peace, and she was understanding it. She loves to have long discussions about her books, its hard to keep her in new books because she loves to read and can finish a novel in a few days, if its really really interesting to her she may finish it in 1 day. Ashley is so different to other kids and yet shes just the same. Growing up with just me and no dad shes remarkably balanced and I thank god for that. I am also thankfull that I met a man who she loves and who loves her and with a family that treats her as one of their own...I have been blessed in so many ways.

Ok now I want to talk about me a little, as I have stated before when I talk about how I feel it helps me deal with it a little. I have issues with depression that on some days are nearly overwhelming. I hate the mirror...I mean I truelly hate it...it reflects this fat ugly person to me...this woman that I don't know...I get physically ill when I see myself...its so hard for me to see anything good in me because alls I see are negative things...split ends, fat here, fat there...a big nose, big pores...an ugly face...nothing good...the mirror is my greatest enemy. I feel the same way with pictures...I would love to take pics with my family and friends...but when I see myself in the pics I cry...I honestly cry and my depression weighs on me and scary thoughts enter my mind...how does anyone else see anything good in me? How can they? I have been having nightmares lately...even when I am not asleep...not quite daydreams but anyways...theres me and I am thin and baeutiful and happy...and I have this beautiful ranch where ash can ride horses everyday and a workshop where Ken can have his race car...then I turn and look in a mirror and I see me...the real me and the mirror shatters and I see a different life, a life where people pity me and look at me with disgust and I embarasse ashley and Ken is unfaithful because he can't bear me...I hate feeling that way...I want to loose weight and I am trying to work on ways to change other things about me...I want to look at myself and find something to smile about, I want that so much, but most things require money and I can't find a job and poor Ken is trying so hard to take care of us...life is what you make of it right...I find pure happiness in his arms and being with ash...but I still feel disgust within myself towards me...its hard to live everyday hating who you are...its very hard