The Key

I need a key to unlock my mind...I heard that phrase once and it has stuck with me....I feel like I am locked inside and I have no key to get out. My heart hurts, truely hurts...I feel scared but I am not sure of what. The dark scares me, to many bad things have happend in the dark. I feel like I am loosing it right now, sitting in tears trying to make my thoughts make since.
lost...
I am so tired, I want to sleep
insomnia, its so not my friend.
I have had very few nights of sleep in the last 10 years, I got used to catching an hour here and there, but never at night. I can hardly ever sleep at night.
the darkness falls and the evil escapes...terrorizes everyone in its path...it doesn't care if your good or bad, you were just in its way. Evil likes the dark cause you can't see it...you can't identify it. You scream and cry out but people are to scared to help, or your to afraid to help them...
At night my mind goes nuts...I try singing in my mind to erase all the other crap...but darn it I forget the lyrics from time to time.
A friend called today, so much drama...I am so tired of drama...she calls and shes telling me that her husband flipped out again, I can't go save her this time I have no way there...so I tell her I will call her help...she gets mad at me...says I am not her real friend...I have run out at 3 in the morning with a new baby to help her...I have taken his wrath to spare her, I have taken her and her kids to safe places to many times...she goes back. Thats her choice, but she has 4 kids...4...they depend on her...I let them down because I couldn't get there to them last night she says...its not fair...I have lost so much to help her, given up so much to protect her...shes angry, scared and I try to understand...I let her lash out at me
I take it because I doubt she ever gets to speek out any other time, but later...her words haunt me...she throws Laurie in my face...had I gone maybe Laurie would still be here...I was 16...my mom said no...her words hurt in so many ways...she hit her target...is it my fault...I wonder...had I gone, would I have made a difference or would I have not come home either.
Ken doesn't know whats going on inside me...although he knows somethings up...I am angry with him...I don't get why he goes and pays for those sites...I try to understand the free ones...but he paid to watch a girl on her cam...am I that bad? Am I loosing him...does he care that hes hurting me? should I talk to him...probably...but I won't...I am to scared...scared to rock the boat...I was with Ashleys dad when I was 17...he left when I was pregnant at 17...after him I didn't date or go out or anything...I threw myself into school and work and spending every moment with Ashley...I was scared if I missed a moment I would miss a first...so I tried to take her every where...work let me...a gardner blah...school let me...child development classes...cool teachers...they saw a scared kid...then I met Ken...I didn't want to fall for him...we were to different...hes pretty serious and really smart and into computers and stuff, I am a skater girl who lives to be with kids...who is so goofy that people can't help but to laugh...hes secure in himself, a great family...I hate myself, full of insecurities...and my family is a joke...
Ken...I love you...please please let me know what I have done or haven't done for you to go elsewhere...it scares me
I love you...help me
Ashley...she makes me laugh...shes afraid when we are apart...worries me cause I don't want her to be like me...she tells me she loves me 100 times a day and I love it...at night she says it like 10 times while heading towards bed...shes always worried about what people think of her...please god don't let he be like me...my mom hurts her feelings...talking about weight...or her teeth or anything to pick on her...I want to escape here...but life isn't fair
I am lost and looking for the key to free me...to help me understand myself...if you see the key please send it to me...