Crap

Today has been a day from hell...my mind has been all over the place and I can't seem to stop it.
Talk about insecurities, man I am so full of them...I hate myself, how I look everything...I don't know what people see in me...and I have to wonder often what keeps Ken around.
I am an ampty person somedays, but I do a good job at hiding it, most people never see it. I am a master of disguise...I have a mask for every occasion...somedays I forgot what mask I am supposed to wear.
Fake!!!!!!!!!!!!! My heart hurts and I lie, I have fears and doubts...but I keep them hidden...I cry in a lonely cornor, noone cares...what they don't see doesn't hurt them.
LIES!!!!! they all tell them, what ever happend to the trueth? Why are people unable to just be honest with me.
Computers can be great and helpful and they can break your heart and destroy your security.
Lost in a dark world, there are no windows, I have no help, who do I turn to...people who lie? people who see only what they want? ALONE.
Red stains...hidden, my own secret pain that no one else sees...a way to release whats pent up inside myself...a dirty secret, no one can know...or do they care?
I love with all that I am...I give freely with no hesitation, until given reason to hold back...do I hold back? Do I forget and go forward...stupid discreet lunchtime encounters fill my dreams, I can't catch my breath, they are only words, yet there is meaning and thought put into them, no trueth to them...my heart hurts, but I love on...no explenations...nothing...but I trust all the same...don't I?
Trying to find oneself is impossible cause when your lost...you can't find what you don't know. I am a babbling fool, a girl whos hurt and scared...who has no one to cling to in the dark...a girl who wants to be anyone else...to be free...to have no insecurities...to feelk beautiful just once...a girl who wants to be smart enough to help her daughter with her math homework...a girl who wants to be a positive rolemodel for her daughter...a girl who wants her man to look at her with adoration and love sparkling in his eyes...who sees no one else...who can an ignore a beautiful woman and see just me...
I want to look in a mirror and see just myself...to see a woman who is happy, secure and strong...not a freak with nothing to her...NOTHING!!!!!
I want to be happy...how do I become happy...what the hell is happiness anyways...I am so lost...I just want to feel again...to feel happiness.
I love him...he loves me...I believe with all I am
I love Ashley and I know I am a good mom...its in her personality, her smile, her security...her knowledge...
Why can't I just BE for me?