New Year...yeah ok

I have been reading so many things about new years resolutions...I hate those...I have never kept one.

I hate all the hype about it, all my friends talk non stop about it...I have many things I want to do and change, but I am not going to make a deal with myself just cause its a new year...

I am changing my eating habits...I have a hard time eating, I get so sick so often that I have been trying to figure out a healthier way to eat that won't kill my stomach...I truelly don't eat much but I also don't eat healthy...I never eat breakfast seldom ever lunch, but I do have diner with the family...and sad but true, I tend to eat crackers or a cup o noodle at about 11...I was told I should never eat after 9...some secret diet tip I guess...

I have also been trying to get back into some sort of shape...the people who know me, know I am in cronic pain...the doc sugested that I do small stretching exercises to try and work through some of the pain, so I have started doing it every morning and then at night when Ken is asleep...just leg stretches and hip exercises and a few other moves...hopefully it helps work out the pains in time...I so hope so lol...

I also want and need to lose weight...I have a very bad image of myself, hell I hate what I look like...I want to do this for me...I am hoping that if I do lose the weight I may find the person I used to be...weird and backwards way to look at it I know...but I am such a fuckin mess in my head its not even funny...hard to go from the way to thin teen I was to an over weight mommy now...it hurts me to see my self this way...when Ash was 3 I got super sick, a sever infection in my hip (fluid from arthritis built up and got infected) I was in the hospital for over a week...the pain was so bad...after that I got put on steroids for over 2 years to try and manage the rhumitoid arthritis...I went from 110 to 170 in that time...I hated what I saw in the mirror...hated the stranger who looked back at me...I lost alot of the weight but a year ago I was put back on steroids to try and manage the pain once again...and I gaind it back...I know it sounds stupid but I feel like I lost myself in the weight, depression and all the changes that I was going through...I just want to stop hating myself...

The thing I hate most is that when I go shopping and I try stuff on I hate...HATE... what I see...it makes me cry and then I get madder, thats why I try never to go with Ken...I am so afraid that if I see it as gross and ugly that he will to...its truely destroying me inside...so I guess thats something else I need to work on...

and yes I will say it...being fat, hating myself, all that stuff really fucks up my sex life...I want to hide my body...if it grosses me out it has gotta gross him out...yes he tells me all the time I am sexy, but if you don't feel sexy its hard to be sexy...so hell yeah I want to loose this weight to get back to my freaky nature...even if I don't loose the weight I want to learn to like myself again, to not be ashamed of who I am...

so no I am not gonna make any stupid resolutions that I will never keep, I am going to impliment life changes and try to just relearn to like myself and hopefully loose weight again...yeah I know I am always so damn boring to read...always so depressed sounding...sorry...I will try to change that as well ;o)

I hope this new year brings lots of fun and laughter to everyone out there :)