Depression...

who does it hurt?


ME!!!!!


I write alot about the crazy place I am in, and I know it sounds repetitive, but I feel like its getting worse not better...

I worry daily about Ashley, I am scared for her, I worry about Ken...his health and what the hell he sees in me...I worry about my health and often to afraid to ask the questions I need to or to point out certain things wrong with me...its wrong I know, but its a deep fear in me I can't fix...

My head never stops, I think and think all the time...my mind goes on and on...it gets darker and worse all the time. The nightmares are back, they are so bad...the less sleep I get the worse it is...I have sleeping pills and everything but nothing works, I know its in my head, but how the hell do I fix it?

As a teen I tried to commit suicide, was put in the hospital in the psych ward for 2 weeks, I often think about it, no I won't do it, Ash needs me...but I do think of it way to often...

My mind is a dark place and it scares me so bad...I feel like I have no one I can tell, I don't want to scare them...so I sit quietly and let it suck me in...

Its just so hard on me mentaly and pyhsically. I am so drained, there are days when getting up feels like the worst torture...and it seems the worse I get with the lack of sleep the pains get worse...my joints are all swollen and the deep freeze here is no help...the doc has given me a ton of pain pills but I won't take them...my family gets hooked on shit to easy, I don't want to be like them...

I have started a journal...I used to write all the time...I write to my stranger (I am wierd yah I know) it helps, but with the pain in my hands and limited use of my fingers writing is not so easy at all. Ughhhh life just sucks for me right now...

I am so sorry if I sound like a dumb ass, just my mind working over time again...

Take care all

Carie