life...wow

I am a mom who worries more than most, a mom who freaks out pretty badly...I am a mom that wants my daughter to see and do everything she has ever dreamed of...and I am a mom who is afraid I will be the thing that holds her back.


I think when I worry about Ashley lieing, or plotting it is partially the natural worry of a mother, and the other part is me worried that she will be me...at her age I lied, ran away, was pregnant and more than anything I felt so damn alone, and i worry everyday, I worry that she will feel so trapped here that she runs, I worry that she will grow before she has to, I worry that she will give up on her dreams...and I really shouldn't...because Ash is a strong kid, she believes in herself and is way stronger than I give her credit for.


Ashley has never really done anything bad...really ever. She has lied here and there, but not like big ass life altering lies, she has never done anything that most kids have. She a damn good kid and I am so proud of her, I just get so scared that this crazy ass house is going to chase her away.


Growing up I had a childhood that no kid should have, I had a step dad that..well he tortured us in many ways, had a babysitter that should never be wround children and should be in prison, a mom who shut down completely and never ever went to one school thing, she never talked to us...add to that growing up in the ghetto and bam, ya got my life. No wonder I cant sleep. I have made sure Ashley never had any of those things in her life, I went to everything at her school, even when it was just for her friends, I played with her all the time, read to her non stop, tried to always let her know she could talk to me, and I have made sure no man ever hurt her like that...but even though I am 100% better than my mom was, I still am not the best mom, I used to be, but when I started getting sicker and the pain started getting worse I am not able to do the things I used to, and sometimes the pain is all my brain can focus on so I dont hcatch everything thats said, and because of an old head injury I forget alot of what I did catch...I just feel like I have failed her.


I guess I am still learning and my fears are just that...my fears, I need to control them and not let them define anything...


I love my daughter, she is amazing, gorgeous, smart as hell and she deserves me to be the mom she needs...


life...