Finding Happiness

Have you ever watched a movie and wondered why? Why can't you be that happy, why can't you be free like that, or why can't life be that easy?

I do.

Lately I seem to be on the verge of tears no matter what I do. Watching TV can cause it, listening to the radio, or talking on the phone...I always feel like I want to cry.

I was just watching a movie, and I just wondered why can't life be like that, why the hell can't I just be...

You know be happy, be at pease, be free...why can't I just be.

When my friend was murdered while we were in high school I went into a pretty bad depression. I asked why at least a hundred times a day...and all that anger and grief, its still right here with me. I can't let it go, and trust me I have tried. I am so angry that he is alive and shes not, I am angry that he got to experience so much and she didn't, I am mad that she never got to see my daughter, we never got to walk down the beach togather liked we talked about. I am still so angry.

Laurie was an amazing person, she had this magnetic personality, she was the kind of person that made you feel alive just being around her. We would talk for hours about our dreams and goals, we used to say we would be friends forever and our kids would then be best friends...that we would one day own a place on the beach and we would get to walk on the beach every day...I know it was just 2 teen girls dreaming, but I am so angry that he robbed us of those dreams...do you ever get over something like that? Can you ever let go of that deep down anger? I hope so, I just miss her, everyday, I miss her.

The day Ashley was born, it was probably the scariest moment of my life, I mean sure I was over the moon happy, she was and is and will always be my whole world, but come on I was a 17 year old kid who had never even been on a real date. I wasn't afraid of the pain, or the hospital or any of that, I was afraid that I would be a bad mom, that if I messed up I would ruin this amazingly perfect little girl, in fact I kept telling the nurse I didn't wanna do it lol...they all kept reassuring me, and the main nurse said I would be a a good mom because I was scared.

See I am writing all of this because I can never remember a time when life was easy...when I wasn't angry, sad or fighting this depression. I am lucky I remember none of my childhood, I know this from the stories, the dreams, the scars. I know we all have to go through all that we do in order to become the people we are, but damn can't life just be easy for a little while?

Why can't life be like a TV show...come on now, it would be amazing to live like Ozzy and Harriet Nelson, or Ward and June Cleaver...or come on now Clare and heathcliff Huckstable...they had their little moments, but life was easy as hell...that would so rock.

Why can't I just be happy...Why can't I just be...


Sorry I am depressed tonight, maybe it was the fight with Ken, but more than likely it something in me I just am not ready to let out.