Don't walk away

Yesterday was Kens birthday...he turned the big 40.

I love this man like crazy, its true, I do. He makes me smile when I want to cry, he makes me laugh when the pain is beyond bareable, he makes me feel loved when I feel lost and alone...I just wish his birthday could have been a nice one.

See my mom sent us to the store to get some things she needed for a special thing at her work. We got there and my mo kept calling on the phone being a ass and then Ken, he treated me in a way that broke me.

We are on a tight budget, I mean tight. So I could not spend 10 bucks on the only bag of cheese there (my mom wanted already grated cheese for tacos shes making at her work) I mean come on, 10 bucks is alot when you have very little. My mom just would not let up, so as I tried to talk to Ken, looking for him to help me, maybe just hold me, he did something that crushed me...he snapped at me and then walked away, left me there...and he never looked back.

How can someone do that so nonchalantly, like its no big deal? How could he not know that it would hurt me? Then when I told him he can't treat me like that, he said it was no big deal...did he not see the tears, did he not hear the hurt in my voice? How can he walk away from me like that and then make me feel so insignificant?

We got home and he went into the backyard to put togather the bbq and I went to bed and cried, I was so hurt by him, and it hurt so much more that he obviously will ever know. When he came back in I was at the computer doing research for my brother, he acted as if nothing was wrong...alls I wanted was for him to say sorry, to hold me, to let me know he would never walk away from me again...but I never got that, never will...and part of the trust I had that he would never leave me fell apart as well, he barked at me, people were staring, and then he left me there...who the hell does that to someone, I have never done that to him...

See it seems whenever he gets upset he does that, he just walks away...when we put something togather he blows up when it doesn't go the way he wants and he is so cruel, when hes doing physical labor and gets upset he does it as well...I am not good in these kind of situations, who would be?

I hate that this happend on his day, but I hate it more that I am still left in that hurt state, nothing can fix it rightnow, he hurt me, pretty bad this time...I will eventually get over it, I always do, but this time the hurt will always be there. He treated me like I was stupid, like I was beneth him, and I am not ready to get over it yet, hell I am still in tears and its been a day. I waited till past 3 to get into bed, and I moved away from his touch, I am just so tired of feeling like I am not worthy, or that I am stupid...I give everything I am for him, I mean come on I do fuckin homework about his work so that when hes using his big ass words I understand...I am just so done with feeling like this, having this hole in my heart...

I needed to vent, adn I probably will again later, right now I am gonna go back to bed, curl up with the dogs and keep crying, I wanna cry til the pain is all gone...I wanna just forget about the world for a little while, I want to forget that I am this no one to so many, I just want to get lost in my mind and forget everything...

Bye