I need sleep

UGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am just so tired of no sleep...I get maybe a total of 10 hours a week, been this way for way way way to many years. I used to be able to get a few hours during the day, but now even that seems all screwed up. I can sleep when Someone is home during the day for like 3 hours, but not when I am alone now.

There are days I am so tired I feel like I am loosing my mind. My mind tends to wonder everywhere when I try to sleep, the damn thing won't turn off!

I have tried a few pills, but I am afraid of taking serious sleeping pills because theres a history of dependency in my family, on both sides. But right now if someone offered me a strong ass sleeping pill I would so take it.

My sleeping problems started 13 years ago...I lived in a horrid area, a place where people didn't go out past dusk, it was to violent out there. I had a new born baby and I was so scared. I heard these hills on the sidewalk outside my apartment by my room, theres a narrow walk way there with tall bushes on each side, then it was quiet. "Please don't hurt me" was the next thing I heard...She was pleading. I could see some of their heads over my fence (small patio outside the bedroom)...oh no was all I thought.

I flicked my lights on and off while calling 911...I let my dogs out...but I couldn't go out there, I had a new born, then I could hear it...a sound that haunts me, it always will, when I close my eyes I hear her shoes, then I hear it...the moaning as they gang raped her...

I wanted to run out and help...I was screaming...I wanted to kill them all...but my baby, whet if I open the door (they were right by it) and they got in...I screamed and screamed at them through the paper thin walls...the police were taking forever.

Then I heard the sirens and I heard them running...I saw them, their faces are etched in my mind. the noises I will never forget...and I did nothing...you will never know what that feels like, I did nothing...I was afraid, I tried to do all I could without going out there...all my neighbors were men, they never came out, they heard, they peeked through the blinds...I was the only 911 call.

My mind replays it all the time, every time I try to sleep, I think its my punishment for doing nothing...The woman lived through it, she didn't live there, they never found out why she was there...I let her down, this stranger who did nothing wrong but walk down the wrong walkway.

We moved less that a week after that, I had to get out of there, I saw them, what if they came back...a month or so after we moved out the people who moved in there were murdered. Guilt is what I feel all the time. Everywoman I see I wonder if it could be her...

I think I am forever going to relive it, always going to pay for doing nothing...I did try to do what I could without opening the door, but it wasn't enough...I should have done more...I was a stupid kid...

So I am pretty sure I am going to live my life never having any real sleep...I am never going to be able to get the sounds out of my head or to let the guilt go...I want to sleep so bad, but I never will be able to...