Love

Before I met Ken I gave up on love completely, didn't think I needed it...I was happy to be a mom and to spend all my time with her...or so I thought that would be enough

Isaac (ashleys father) left when I was 7 months pregnant...so it has always just been her and I...I mean we did everything togather...I was never apart from her...when she was first born I did all crazy jobs so I could keep her with me, I did yard service, yep I had her playpen there, I did the basic stuff in a different are from where they would mow or what not, she was never in harms way, I babysat and I baked for parties...I did what ever I had to do to take care of her...I lived my whole life for her...

When she was a newborn I was afraid to lay her down, afraid she would never wake up if I did (all my uncles and aunt lost their first born to SIDS) so I didn't lay down in a bed for 2 years, I slept in a rocking chair, with her on my chest...and I would have my mom come over to hold her while I got ready, she never layed her down either lol...When I worked she was in a sling on my chest, I did the weeds and stuff so she was ok...all the other time I was home working so it was ok...the kids I sat for were family and older so it worked out....

I lived in a house in a neighborhood full of old people lol so there was no other kids, so I played with her, we skated and rode bikes and played barbie and all that...my life revolved around her completely for the first 4 years...then I started working at Wal-Mart (blah) and going to college...I was taking child development classes at our community college, and guess what, the teachers almost all let me bring Ash...she was a good girl, very quiet and content to read or draw for hours so it worked...while I worked nights she was with my mom or I should say my mom moved in and watched her sleep at night while I worked, it was so hard, going to class during the day and working at night, and making sure Ash had all my attention...

I got a great job at a day care so I stopped working at Wal-Mart (wooohooo) and I was still able to bring Ashley :o) she was also starting school...I thought my life was complete, my daughter was my complete happiness, and still is, but I was lonely, only I never let myself dwell on it...

I had been hurt so bad by her father both physically and emotionally that I thought all men were bad...then my brother (big freakin dork) put a profile on the net at yahoo dating for me...only he didn't tell me till I had so many damn people wanting to meet me...yeah I was pissed, there are alot of freaks out there lol trust me...but one guy was just nice, and sorta silly and well in my opinion rather dorky (gotte(sp) glasses, goofy looking in a good way lol) so I thought well I will respond...and well we started talking on line (ewwww net dating) lol...

He asked if I would meet him at Denny's for coffee(I hate Coffee) but I said ok...man was I scared and nervous...so I did what I always do I hit the skate park with friends lol...I took my board and we just goofed off...I had baggy jeans on and a hoodie...yep I am a little skater girl...well I kinda skated longer than I expected so I just went to see him how I was...hell I figured that it wasn't gonna work or anything so who cared right...

Well it was just my luck he thought the skater girl thing was cute lol...he was in slacks and a dress shirt and tie...what a pair huh? we went in and I had a coke and he had...COFFEE lol ewwww but it was ok...we talked and laughed for ever....he was so nice and he made me laugh alot, we had alot in common, this dorky man was pretty ok...but I still didn't think it would work lol but I thought I had made a new friend...

A few days later he came to my house...it was strange having a guy there...Ashley was making Harry Potter potions (a game thingy lol) . My daughter was afraid of men, she had only been around men in my family, and not to many of them lol...my brother and my papa the most...she shied away from all guys, but when he sat at the counter to help her she climbed up on his lap and they were woring togather so cute...he was so good with her, took all kinds of time to work at her pace...thats when I fell in love...he was sitting there with Ashley on his lap and they were laughing and I just knew...he was the one...

We have had good times and bad ones, I have serious trust issues and he has done things that made me question us alot, but I love him so much and he and I are happy...we are working on all the issues from our pasts and he is so patient with me...and when I am having horrible nightmares he just holds me...and he never pushes me to tell him more than I am ready to about everything Ashleys father did to me...I find myself more in love with him everyday...and I know we started out pretty wierd lol but its worked for us, and we still laugh so much its not even funny lol ;o)

I am a lucky woman and I am so happy to have found love like this, and that he fits in with me and Ashley, never tries to make me choose one over the other...that he always knows Ash comes first...I am in love, truely and deeply...I love you Ken, and I know I write about you alot, but sometimes I need to do it to remind myself how lucky I am and to remind myself that love is worth it