If Only Wishes Came True

My mind wonders all the time, I dream of an easier life, where everyone is happy and healthy, where everything we ever needed and wanted was easily obtained, I dream everynight that there was some clever man who found a cure for all cancers, and that my brother will get to live to be a crotchity old man who likes to be mean to kids from his front porch...

I dreamt that Ken got to get the race car of his dreams and had a blast at it, and he never had to depend on anyone else to help make things happen, to see the shattered look in his face when promises are broken...

I dreamt that my mom came into enough money to fix the house and hire a gardner so she no longer had to work all day and then work on her yard...

I dreamt that Ashley had the library of her dreams at her disposal, full of every book she wants and asks for, all the ones she doesn't ask for because shes afraid of the price...

I dreamt that I was ok, that I didn't live in pain and I could do all the things I loved again...

Man my mind paints a picture I wish came true, sometimes I love to lay there, not asleep, not awake and let the pictures continue...seeing everyone I love happy, I don't want the absurd, just for them and myself to finally get a break, but like I said...if only dreams came true...

my brother David is a funny wonderful guy who has spent the last 10 years battling cancer, yeah hes luckier than the docs thought, hes still here...they always say 1 year or 2 years...but he always goes past that day, and at times seems to thrive, then there are those days when he can't get out of bed, where his eyes look empty...

My big brother is amazing, hes a skater through and through...at 32 he still has a ton of boards and he loves to goof off, hes also a successful businessman, he built it all on his own...he has this amazing ability to make the most out of life, he can make the saddest moments ok and make everyone happy...hes always been able to do that...

And at the same time hes always been depressed, he has always been so hard on himself...he atempted suicide 3 times...the last time was the worst...I was 16 and he locked himself in the room with a gun, we were all so scared, he was so hurt by my parents...my mom called my dad...I was in my room huddled in the cornor crying...my dad came and screamed through the door to do what he wanted (to my brother) that he didn't care, he was only there to make sure I didn't have an asthma attack, I hated him right then...

David snuck out the window and snuck into mine, they all pounded on that door while he sat with me...crying and trying to explain what was wrong inside him...my brother, always so strong for me, I needed to be strong for him...

I sat with him there for hours before we were found out...they all left and we just sat there all night talking, sharing the parts of our lives we had missed being seperated by our parents...

Today my brother was here, yellow tent to his tanned skin, kidneys don't want to work right any more, he sat here with me for awhile, from 8-9 we didn't really talk, we played yahtzee and threw paper balls at each other...yes hes 32 and I am twenty ten...but we goofed off like we were kids, no talk off being sick, none of that...

He left and I went to bed and I dreamt he would be ok...I hope to god he will be ok, I miss him, I miss him more than I let on, it hurts me that he pulled away, afraid to hurt us all when he got sick. I think today showed he still needs me, and so theres hope...I will always be here for him...

If this post is jumbled and wierd and makes no since thats ok...I just needed to get it all out