Happy Thanksgiving

Sorry for being MIA for awhile...life was busy kicking my ass lol

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!!!!

Well alot has been going on in my life and I am not sure if I want to get into it all right now...but I will bitch and complain about a few things....just cause I am upset

ASHLEY!!!! man she went from this sweet quiet little girl to this evil horrible smart mouthed monster over night :o( She has just been so rude in the last few days that I have come so close to popping her...

biggest thing is she waits till you are walking away to start mumbling all kinds of rude and mean things...I hate that so so so much...I know shes getting close to being a teen and I need to be prepaired for this, but I think that there has to be something wrong with her to talk to me or anyone like that....

Tonight we were goofing off with the animals and she was laughing so hard, my mom was teasing her that she was gonna have to go potty, well that set her off, she blew up...I took her aside and I was so mad at the things she had said, I told her to stay in her room...as I walked away she mumbled all kinds of hurtful things(I am not deaf) and so I stopped and turned around and confronted her, she gave me the evil eye roll, I was pissed...I sent her to bed...it was 6:30 I turned off the lights, took all her stuff away from her bed so she couldn't sneak read or anything and she sat there till 11 crying then finally fell asleep...

I know it sounds like I was being harsh, but trust me I wasn't, she really spouted off mean things that truelly hurt, hurt enough to send me to my room to make me cry...I was so hurt that my baby would be like that...

well anyways, on to my next thing...my mom...there is a lot of animosity between us since I was a kid, I never understood it, just accepted it...shes always treated me different and I always let her...but lately she has been pretty bad...I try so hard to keep her and ash and I seperated...her and Ashley fight like 2 year olds, its bad...I am on a very very tight budget because of how sick I have been, so I know if it weren't for my mom I would be screwed...but I just don't know if its worth it...

I buy the groceries every month and sometimes we do with out alot of the stuff kids want...but I always do my best, this month was even worse due to other financial problems...so I got enough to get us through the month, or so I thought...my mom is big, very big...and when we are not here she eats everything, well she over ate and has left us scrambling for everyday meals...

If we were not going to Kens for Thanksgiving we would not be able to have a turkey diner...and I hate saying that, I hate that I am at this point right now...its so hard to not be able to cook you child all the meals they want, that sometimes I have to be creative, but she has never ever ever gone with out...I go with out...it upsets Ken, but its life...so I am way hurt and upset with my mom for doing this to us this month, and I am mad that shes always so mean to me, so hurtful in things she does and days towards me...I love her, and hate her all at once, and I am riddled with guilt for it :o(

Oh and Christmas is coming way way to soon...I mean who the hell is really ready for it this year...Ashley has no asked for much, she understands that its tight right now and that she gets almost everything she wants as soon as I can...shes been so good about that...she has this amazon wishlist that has so little on it, and yet I know I can not do it...I will be able to get her the things she asked for at costco, or I should say Ken will get them...but thats it, things are just so hard right now...it hurts so bad to know that you can't get your kids what they want...

I feel like I have let her down so bad lately...I mean she seldom complains (blow ups only lately) and never ever throws a fit over not getting stuff, but I still feel her sadness...I am sitting her blubbering like a moron and I can't help it, I hurt...in a place that no one else can fix right now...my heart...I have always done what was needed to make Ashleys life as close to perfect as possible, but what ever the hell this illness is, its making it so hard...

I know I know I am supposed to be cheery and all that, tis the season and so on...

I am thankful for so much as well as saddened...

I am thankful that my brother is still here and fighting, despite what all the doctors have said....

I am thankful that both my mom and dad battled their cancer succesfully and seem to still be ok...

I am thankful my papas heart is still beating striong and that he still holds my grandmas hand and whispers in her ear...

I am thankful that I have Ken in my life...thankful he reminds me daily that things will get better...

I am thankful that Ashley made it when the doctors thought she was going to be sickly her whole life, thankful that I have this evil little pre teen to scream at me and remind me she isn't sickly at all...

I am thankful that I am alive...noone will know how close in my life that I have come to not being here...

I am thankful that all my dogs are healthy and happy and goofy and wierd all rolled up into cuddlely little balls of fur...

I am glad Mama (cat) showed the vet she was worth fighting for, although I am not so thankful for her wierd thing of wiping her asson carpets (how freaky is that)

I am thankful for everyday that I get to spend with my family and friends...

On that note I just got a call from my friend Veronica...shes 8 months pregnant and the doctors just found a problem, there is something wrong with the babies heart, and as soon as shes born (yes its her baby girl) she has to have heart surgery...please, please keep her in your prayers...

thank you all and happy turkey day