Loneliness

there are times when a wave of loneliness washes over me and I feel like I am drowning...Alone.

Sometimes after me and Ken have spent endless days together, sharing everything, its hard for me to go back to being alone...Its sad, we don't talk, we don't have any real conduct unless he isn't busy...So I go from being a couple to feeling single all in one foul swoop.

I know its not his fault, he works hard, and his down time he spends getting to catch up on all his other stuff, but sometimes I feel left out, like I am not a part of that area of his life.

I have no idea who he chats with, I don't know what he's reading, I have no clue who is making him laugh...I tell him all that stuff about me...who I chat with, what I am reading, who made me laugh...everything.

I just feel like there are only areas of his life I fit into right now, and I hate feeling that way...I know you are all probably thinking get a life lol sad thing is I have one and well...THIS IS IT lol.

I love Ken, a lot...I just never am totally sure of where he stands on most things...Our views on most things differ, but its never really become an issue, but lately it seems like it has, like he gets angry with me when I see a different side...I hate it, I hate that there's this stress between us, and I hate it most that I have a feeling I am the only one feeling it.

I wish things were different, that I had a job and was able to contribute to the funds better, all my disability goes to pay the bills here with my mom (yes she charges me to live here lol) she literally takes every dime I get and I am a little ok with that because hell I live here...I buy the groceries and then the 340 I get goes to her so I am always broke, so I feel like I depend on ken to much.

no I do not ask him for anything unless its an extreme emergency of for Ashley, I will go without, hell I always do...He doesn't need to know, I won't tell him...Its life...but I am going to find a job, I have been actively searching, just hard to find one that has hours I can work around Ashleys school schedule, I can't afford a sitter at all...

it sucks when you are a teacher who can't find a teaching position...its hard...alls I have ever wanted to do is work with kids, but things happen...When I started getting sick a few years ago it was bad, and doctors have yet to figure out what's wrong, hell they haven't even said what its not all the way lol...Its hard being sick 24/7 and not bitching or complaining about the pain, trying to hide it from everyone around yu so they stop worrying, but having to change things and they think you are just being difficult...Its really hard, but with my brother, mother and grandparents all being sick I will not add to their problems nor do I want Ken or Ash to worry about me.

well I have bitched enough for tonight...I swear I am not always bitchy, just so happens I had to much time to sit and think again...and to feel utterly alone