hello all my blogger world friends lol...

today was the Clovis rodeo and we had a blast :) Ken's sisters son Braedon was in the mutton busting, and he was adorable...he won for best dressed and came in third for the mutton busting. It was such a nice day (so much for their rain scheduled lol) sitting up on the concrete stands wasn't that bad at all. Last year I hardly remember the Rodeo, I was very sick, the day before I was in the hospital and heavily medicated when I went to the rodeo and completely lost it towards the end, I was dizzy and unfocused lol but I hear it was good.

Ashley is very excited about her field trip coming up, we are going to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I am excited to lol, I want to see the sharks so bad. Me and Ash went 3 years ago and it was alot of fun...I love going places with Ashleys class, I am always on top of what is up in her life, she tells me everything, and I know how lucky I am about that. I am so worried about the day when she stops telling me, when she no longer wants to hang out with me...shes my little girl, and the idea of her growing up breaks my heart, as well as makes me proud. She is starting to grow up in a bigger scheme lol she is using deoderant...no big deal right? Well it was a big deal for her and we went and picked it out, and I showed her how to use it...man the "BIG" talk is going to be coming up soon and I have no idea how to explain it all to her...ahhhhhhhhhhh

Ken is doing great at work, he got to go out and install lines, and he had a blast...I like seeing him happy, lately he hasn't been as happy and I am not sure why. He zones out and gets this serious look on his face and I worry that there is something thats disturbing him. We have been togather day and night for awhile now (big deal since we don't live togather) and tonight will be the first night that he hasn't been with me...I get the whole bed to myself (well the part the dog and cat share with me) but it was wierd that he just dropped me off and didn't stay at all, I know he wanted to get back to watch his shows, but it felt wierd...I am sure its all in my mind but hes been a little grumpy lately and I worry that its us (ash and me) and I am not sure why...or maybe its work, I don't know...somedays I feel like we are untouchable...that our love is so right that we will be ok, then others I wonder if I am what he wants, I see the dissappointment in his eyes at times...I know I am not as wild as he wants, and I know I have no where near as much experience as he does, I am goofy, and I like to just laugh...he loves to laugh, but hes a tech man and I have no clue about any of that...hes also a brainyack in history and stuff and well I got D's in those classes...anyways....

Tomorrow is my big brothers birthday...hes gonna be 32, I remember when the Doc's said he wouldn't see 25...everyday is a blessing, I just wish we were as close as we used to be, I miss him so much. When he found out he was sick, he withdrew from everyone, and I am always so afraid of being rejected by people(damn I am dumb) that I never push him, Ashley cries for him alot, she doesn't understand why he never comes over any more...she didn't want to go to Easter this year with my family because last year David told all the other kids Hi and hugged them, but ignored her...David is a great person, but his world revolves around him and always has...but I miss staying up late and talking in the kitchen for hours about nothing at all, or him coming over just to hang out with us, but I guess that times gone and I need to focus on the future, I love my big brother, and I thank god hes still with us...Happy Birthday David