Alone again

Well I am alone again, I am alone often these days. Sometimes even when I am with him, I feel alone, hes withdrawn from me big time...today I have only typed 3 words to him...yesterday a total of 15 words. I am not complaing that we never spend time togather, only that I wonder if the time we do spend togather he likes. I am not sure that even makes since. When I say I am alone, I mean in my own little world, a world I never share with anyone, a world noone would understand lol...I over think everything, and daydream...and hell I think constantly, only nothing ever gets shared, at night when I can't sleep, the house is silent, but me I am sitting up with a flashlight reading, I read so that my mind shuts off and just follows the story. Noone understands my wierd fear of the night, but then none of them have had their worst dreams come true in the dark...and for that I am thankful, I never want anyone to feel the way I did and still do...yes I know my thoughts are wierd tonight and all over the place, but thats the way my mind works, can't help it...He just logged on...hi sexy...his day was great, and he had fun working on the race car with his friends...me I sat at home, helped Ashley clean her room...we played with the dog and then I put her to bed and got online...my day has been productive, and the time with Ashley was great...shes 10, at the age where she knows everything, and I know nothing....She wants to argue constantly...but I am not one to argue so I try just talking to her...man my kid shoukld be in drama cause her life is full of it lol...

Today at school shes doing her STAR testing...so shes all worried and jittery...understandable since she is always worried about her grades (straight A's always) me I care what the tests say, but in another way I don't care, I hate that they put all this pressure on the kids, cause man do they get grumpy. Shes my miracle child, I love her so much, before I had her I hated being alive, I was so sad, my best friend was murderd, 3 of my very close friends commited suicide, and 3 others were killed in accidents, all in one year...I was lost, and Isaac made it so much worse, I was so nieve and stupid, he told me he needed me, that I was what made him good, or try to be good, that no one had ever loved him, that I was all he needed, that if I left he'd kill himself, thats alot to put on someones shoulders...so I tried, I tried so hard to help him...he was not nice, screamed at me all the time, followed me everywhere...he threatend me alot...one night I was at his house, in his and his brthers room in the garage and he was flipping out, it was so dark, he had a candle lit, it smelled horrible, he kept screaming and hitting me, I never faught back, I was scared, not for myself, but for him...what he did next changed my life forever...the candle went out...and the darkness swollowed me...I have never been the same...I would have died, but I didn't, I had something to live for, a baby...a little sweet child in my belly, I held on for dear life...she saved me, and she continues to do so everyday...she is my smile, my happiness, my laughter and my tears...I get so scarred all the time that I will screw up as a mom, and I will never do anything to hurt her...

Ashley is so smart, she loves to read...she absorbs everything...she keeps me on my toes...but man I miss the days when I could help her with her homework lol...she ccracks me up, when shes confused, she brings it to me, and I try to help, then she asks me to call Ken, so I try...if hes home he helps if not we try the internet...from there we call friends, then I write a note to her teacher asking her to explain it to me lol...the teacher thinks its so cool, and I think she secretly thinks I am goofy, but thats ok, cause in the end we figure it out...all the teachers are amazed by ash, they give her seperate work to keep her interested, she loves to write stories, and to draw, she wants to be an author, and I know what ever she decides on she will be awesome, she has it in her, she is all that is good, and I love that in her...she amazes me and I am thankful everyday for her...shes my world

Ken is also a godsend, hes helped me alot, hes put up with my mood swings, I have not had many but I did start to cry once, and he just held me (thank god) but there was a night I cried myself to sleep, he didn't know what to do, he rolled over and went to sleep...we were making love, but he seemed to get frustrated with me, I didn't understand why...he thought I wasn't into it it, I was....he got pretty upset with me, probably frustrated, but alls I could think of was I didn't turn him on, that I was that repulsive, he had rejected me and my heart hurt, I cried because I felt I had let him down...hes never asked me about it...and so I never told him...

I know when people see what I write they think I am bashing him, hell no I am not...Ken is amazing, hes so smart, and funny, and we laugh alot togather, he never blinked at taking on the responsibility of being with me and Ashley, hes held my hand through numerous medical procedures...he is the best, and I love him so much, I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it...yes we have had problems, I am not sure if they are resolved, I am not sure because I am to chicken to talk to him, I am the coward, not him...I am lucky to have him in my life, and alot of the problems are more that likely my insecurities, and my fears...but we are still strong, we are in love, I adore him and I hope he feels the same way...I love him...and I am scared of losing him...there are problems in every relationship, ours have been big, but never talked about...we will make it, I hope so at least, because I love him so much...

I hope he never reads any of this, because who wants the man they love to know what a nut job they really are lol...

night