Christmas...

It just doesn't feel like christmas this year, things that can go wrong have, we are struggling with so many different things...ugh.

I hate that there is no christmas spirit here, I am so upset with all of us, we are supposed to pull it togather for Ashley, yet none of us has, we are all fighting and struggling, seems like we just cant catch a break, I mean things were already tight then Franz got sick...so instead of the gifts I wanted to get Ashley we had to rush Franz to the vet.

Franz is a huge part of our family, he is our oldest cat, the sweet one, the one that loves everyone and he is just so smart and amazing, I didn't handle him being sick very well at all, I think it was just to soon after loosing Puppers. When we were in the vets office they told us to leave him there for an hour or so for blood tests and I lost it, I started to cry pretty hard, I couldn't leave him there, I got this overwhelming feeling that if I left him there I wouldn't see him again, I know its ridiculous, but man I freaked out.

I feel guilty, horridly guilty about not being able to give Ashley the christmas she deserves, we all feel guilty. I know christmas isn't about the gifts, but that doesn't make it any easier. Next christmas will be the last one where she lives here, she will be going away to college, and that is hitting me crazy hard as well.

We have a very tiny christmas tree this year, with the cats I am fostering as well as our own cats I was worried what they would do to a big tree lol...we didn't decorate outside at all, see every year our area has gotten worse, every year they do something to our docorations, so this year I didn't want the added stress of watching over them 24/7.

I guess I should also add that it has been over 10 days since I slept, see I doze off for like 30 min here and there, but even that is restless...I am an emotional wreck, crying at everything and my mind is spinning like crazy. I know I need sleeping pills, stronger than the ones I have, but I am terrified of them, so afraid of becoming dependant. With my family history I am always afraid of getting addicted to things...but I am falling apart and need sleep so badly.

And lastly, I wish Santa was real, I widh there was really a jolly old man that would see how amazing Ashley is and reward her accordingly...she deserves it, she works so hard at school and shes never ever gotten in any trouble...she just deserves better.
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oh and on a side note...I will write about Ashleys first date later :)