Who Am I...

I ask myself this question allot, and I still don't know.

I am shy, incredibly shy, and very quiet in crowds or large family get togethers, I hold back, everything...I never tell people what I am thinking, I am terrified of being rejected...I am confused, afraid of the dark, terrified of the sound of heels on sidewalk outside in the night, I am an animal lover, I am most comfortable when I am working with children, I think of everyone else before me, I go without because I am afraid to say what I need...I am a freakin mess.

Growing up I had a step dad that was horrid, he beat us, and hurt us in to many ways. We couldn't make any noise or he would get mad, if we left our toys out he threw them away, he hung our dog to teach us a lesson...he was sick and sadistic...and for many years I felt guilty for thinking of this monster as dad, I had a dad, I didn't know him though, so Evil Man was all I knew. One day my brother and I were laying in bed trying hard to be quiet because "he" was in a bad mood...well the the trailer started to shack (we lived in a Mobile home) and Bob started screaming that we were jumping on the bed or something and we got punished pretty bad, the thing was it wasn't us, it was Mt St. Helen's erupting. He didn't feel bad afterwards, he said at some point we deserved it so consider it for that.

We had a Shepherd that we loved named Hoppy, he was the best dog in the world, he saved my life...well when we moved to Cali and had to live in an apartment poor Hoppy had to live in a tiny tiny porch, well sometimes he would jump the fence (who could blame him) Evil Man said it was our fault and he would teach us how to deal with a problem dog since we were to stupid to do so (we were tiny little kids, I was like 5 or so) he measured out a piece of rope so that if Hoppy jumped the fence it would hang him...we woke up to our dog like that...

I know I am the way I am because of him, I am afraid to put myself out there because of what he would do to us...he should have been locked away for life for what he did to us, honestly he should have paid with his sorry ass life...trust me it was bad.

When we moved back to Cali the courts said I had to spend every other weekend with my dad as well as 6 weeks out of the Summer...the man was a stranger to me, I had no choice...man was I afraid of him, I was afraid of all men...he tried to be nice and patient, but he had no idea how to be around kids, and he was a drunk, so it wasn't fun at all. He had a crazy mean wife at the time that said if my brother and I didn't call her mom we couldn't eat...so I didn't eat, then went home and told my mom, man my mom was gonna rip that lady a new one...it was weird. The lady would steal anything we took with us there, and all gifts given to us by dad and his family she made us leave there, we would never see them again, they went to her kids. I hated her, so glad she was not to long of a stretch lol, just one of many in my dads life.

Things got better when he married Susan, she was so patient with me, so kind...and she had a daughter my age that I love :) through all of this I never spent anytime but 1 day alone with my dad lol, he worked while we were there or slept...but with Susan and Crystal it was ok, I loved being with them...

My mom wasn't much of a mom when we were growing up, she was so depressed and angry. She would sit in her chair all day everyday and ask us to get her things, mostly tea...always she would call us and say get me some tea, she would even have my friends get it for her. she never went to one school function, never walked us to school, never spent anytime with us, to be with us. She took us to the ocean and mountains allot, but we never spoke, we would take our friends with us, she would sit in one spot and stare out at nothing and we would goof off...it wasn't til we were grown that she snapped out of it, not sure yet if it was to late or not.

I love her, but there is still so much anger in me, anger at what we endured because of her choices, anger for making me always feel like a mistake, anger for never saying she was sorry...yeah I am still angry, I love her, but I am not sure how to let it all go.

So who am I? Am I defined by my past, or am I so lost inside myself that I am no one? Can I recreate myself, or am I forever scarred by what happened to me in this screwed up life. I am not sure why I am always struggling with who I am...but I do, I just want to know why I can't fit in, why am I so screwed up? I just want to fix it all, to learn how to let go and move on...but if I never talk to people about the things I have been through, how do I ever let it go?

I am a totally screwed up, neurotic person who just wants to find peace and happiness, and I think I am doing fairly good at it. Ashley is my happiness :) through the good days and bad, she is what gets me through it all, she keeps me going no matter what. My animals help allot to, they are all kinda therapy pets lol, I tell them things that no human knows, and I just feel peaceful when I am with them, like nothing in this world can hurt me when I am surrounded by them. Ken makes me laugh, and he makes me feel safe. We have allot of problems, but they are all things that can be fixed as long as we love each other, and we do. Life is ok, I just gotta keep telling myself that...life is ok, and I will eventually figure out who the hell I am, I just got to give myself time...a lifetime of hurts take awhile to get over.