Stuck

So much has gone on, so many ups and downs...

Last month we went camping, it was truely nice, we were able to just relax and chill out, but man was it cold, there was still snow on the ground lol.

This month Ashley my mom and I went on a road trip through washington and Oregon again. Like always my mom was beyond horrid and Ashley was in a wierd mood, so alls they did was fight, none stop...broke my heart. My mom seems to get so angry at vacations and holidays, been that way my whole life, but I had always hoped she would change, this trip just solidified that fact that change will never happen, she is destined to be just a truely mean person...its just so sad. Ashley has a very short fuse, sometimes alls it takes is me saying hi to set her off, I know there is someting else there, something under the surface that has her snapping peoples heads off, I just wish I knew what it was. On the trip when it was just her and I all was good, then my mom would ruin it.

On the second day of the trip my beautiful little girl turned 16...it was so hard on me, harder than anyone realized. Its like the magic age, the number that says to all parents to prepare for them leaving, when she goes off to college I will be alone, truelly alone. I have been a mother since I was a teen, I dont know how to be without her, I dont know how to be anything other than Ashleys mom, I know when she leaves I will still be her mom, but it will kill me not to see her daily, not to hear her tell me all about the things she loves, no one ever told me being a mommy would hurt this much.

There has been allot going on between Ken and I, but sadly I am not always sure what it is. He withdrew from us long ago, and I dont know why. He seems angry all the time now, angry at me, life, and just everything. he snaps at me for absolutely no reason at all, he is turning into such a bitte old man, aways so negative, never seeing any good in anyone, why does this happen to a person, what the hell can trigger such a dark thing to occur? We used to spend so much time togather, laughing and just truely being happy, now we are never togather, for any reason, he avoids me completely and its to the point now where I avoid him as well. Its hard to keep trying when I get nothing back.

I walk in to the living room so many times a day trying to start conversations, he will look at me, do this fucked up fake laugh and then watch TV again, the more he does this, the more I withdrawinto the safety of myself. If he doesn't snap out of it soon we will have nothing to save, and thats hurting me more than he cares. Something is wrong with him, and I am afraid of what it could be, but I will not continue to let him talk to me the way he does, or treat me like he does...I have never done anything to him...hes the liar and the one who always blows up and the one who has hurt me more times than I can count, I am the one trying so hard to hold us togather, maybe thats what I am doing wrong, holding a guy here who maybe doesn't want to be.

I live in a house full of anger and resentment, and I am a part of that group. My mom starts fights with everyone constantly, never lets up on me. Ken has a way of treating her like shit and then of course she gets on me for that as wll...Ashley, well shes 16 and has alot going on, I get so angry and tired of it all...ughhh when will we ever find happiness?

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Ken is always wanting to do family things with his family, and I always go, push Ash to go, when its family things for my family we usually end up not going or going for like 5 min because Ken doesn't want to go. he feels my family treats him bad, well I feel his family treats me bad...whos more right, or does it matter? Alls I know is I bend over backwards for his family, always have gone out of my way to be helpful and respectful and never do they act appreciative or treat me like anything other than someone they can use. I hate that Ken talks about my family so bad, it has been the reason I have been so hard on his family, well part of his family...I mean you can only handle someone trashing your family before you retaliate.

I know I complain about my mom...SHES MY MOM...when he does it it pisses me off so bad, I want to scream, yell and tell him he has no fuckin right to do so...my mom does everything for him...EVERYTHING!!!! He was cold sitting outside at night with the puppies, she bought him warm clothes (I have none) and a space heater, everything he asks for he gets, from her...the woman he bashes at least 50 times a day. I mean come on, I can go on and on about his mom, but I wouldn't because its his mom, I respect that. Its not like shes always nice to me, and she definatly doesn't treat me like I belong there, no matter how hard I try, but I keep trying, and I keep smiling and I keep supporting him and her...but he has no respect for my mom, me or anyone really but his family.

I mean he always says how much his mom likes us, but in the 9 years Ken and I have been togather she has never told me happy birthday, or treated me like anything other than the outsider that dates her son, they defiantly dont treat my daughter like part of the family, and it breaks her heart. It was her birthday, did any of them call, text, write...anything? nope.

I am just so tired of Ken making his family out to be saints and mine the sinners, when they are both equally fucked up and amazing all at once...I am tired of him acting like his shit don't stink and taking all his anger out on me...he sees how much I have been broken, I cry at the drop of a hat, I just don't think he cares.

I love the stupid dork, but I wont stick around forever, I wont let him break me completely...he either needs to change or walk the fuck away because he is miserable here, no matter what we do for him.

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Ashley has withdrawn allot, I try and say its because shes 16, but really howis she supposed to react with all the drama here at home, how can she just be happy if no one else is. I want to see her smile all the time, feel secure, and I have failed at that. I miss her laughter and her goofiness...I miss her. I miss them all. I miss Ken, the Ken that always made me feel beautiful and loved, I miss my daughter laughing and wanting to be with us, I miss when my mom was happy, or as happy as she will ever be. I miss my grandma knowing and remembering us, I miss my Papa being the strongest man I ever knew, I miss so much, change is hard for me, to hard sometimes...

Darkness takes me over, and I slowly slip away, but no one notices...