Hiding things

is reason to worry...

I am once again gonna bitch about Kens emails, he has like a million and I have no clue what they are, he will even lie about them, why does this concern me? Because if he had nothing to hide he would hide nothing. I have told him a million times how much it hurts that he keeps in touch with his Ex (the one he lied to me about, the call and emails that were so fuckin inappropriate) and he went on a stupid rampage about deleteing her, making a big deal that he deleted her, but he didn't, that makes him a liar....always lieing.

When we go away and Ken is left home, I am heart broken thw whole time because there is no trust, so my mind goes crazy, and the sad part is I think he would cheat on me, I do beieve he would with all my heart.

Alls I ever wanted was to be loved, to have a man look at me as if I was the most important person ever, to look at me and radiate love...but more than anything someone who was honest with me, loved and respected me enough to be upfront...will that ever be Ken, I am starting to doubt it.

I love him, give up everything for him, go without everything so he doesn't have to...I go out of my way to make him happy, I used to set up romantic days and nights for us all the time, he has never ever done that for me, not even once...he has neve gone out of his way to make me feel special, to make a moment magical, its as if he just doesn't see me at all.

I used to blame myself, I felt I had to be lacking for him to be as distant and full of it as he is, that I was so fucked up I was unworthy of the love I so desperatly wanted. Now I see it as it is, he is the one fucking up, he is the one not being right. If he truly wants this he needs to start putting in the work, I deserve more, I deserve to be loved. Its not aboutmaterial things, it will never be like that for me, its about time...him making the time for me.

I try so many times a day to have a conversation with him, but he will either ignore me or make me feel as if I am interupting him, I think he would be perfectly happy to never have to deal with me except when he was in the mood. I want, need, him to make an efort, I need him to put as much into this as I have and do, I need him to go out of his way to make things better...I need desperatly for him to prove that this is what he wants...or I will end it.

I love him, I can say that with no hesitation, I put up with so much bullshit, but I love him...I love his absolutely annoying snickering laugh, I love that he things he is crazy smart (its cute and funny all at once) I love the look on his face when he sees a race car...I love watching him as he stares out at the creek when we camp, I just love him, and in loving him I feel as if I am dieing because I love him so much and feel nothing in return.

I am empty, left devoid of everything. I cry all night long, missing the giggling and sillyness that used to be us, I walk around hurting all the time, when he snaps at me (on a daily fuckin basis) I have to walk away because I feel so battered that I fall apart...

When will he wake up and see what he has, when will he start loving me again...or am I fighting a loosing battle.

Just love me Ken, please just love me like you used to, please stop lieing and hurting me, get back to being us...