Changing

I am going to start living my life for what it is not what it isn't, I am going to stop trying to make everybody else happy and work on making me happy...not to say I don't wanna see them happy, I just feel as if I deserve that happiness to.



I am going to stop trying to be someone I'm not just to make people happy, I am going to laugh everyday no matter what, love with all my heart regardless of the BS...and I am going to forget the past hurts and live for the here and now :)

I have been stuck in a wierd strange place lately, and I think I may just be snapping out of it. There has been alot of tension between Ken and I, we just never see eye to eye, on anything, he is a pesimist and is forever negative, me I am an optimist, I believe there is almost always good in people...I am a animal lover, I am not a crazy ass PETA freak, but an animal lover all the same lol, I try to go out of my way to help animals, he can just drive on by. All the differences have always been why we are togather, its so much more fun loving somone whos different than you, but then there are those days the other uses those differences to try and make you feel stupid, well those days are way to frequent lately lol...

I like to laugh, I am a goober and I know it. I laugh at the stupidest things, its who I am, I just happen to prefer to try and be happy, this house, this crazy ass house, is full of cranky people who blow up at everything...

Ashley got mad at me tonight because I got an answer to her math problem wrong, I mean seriously pissed, it was so stupid. My mom threw a fit like you could not believe because Ken made himself and Ashley pot stickers on a fend for yourself night, she felt as if we should have made diner for her, I mean she was calling me every name in the book, so retarded...hell I had a baked potato, that was it...she has legs, she can walk...mean evil woman...geez. Ken is always mad at me, usually over politics, I try to avoid them, but hell its all thats on the news, his views are sooooo way off from mine its not even funny, and when I voice my opinion he laughs at me and truely goes out of his way to make me feel stupid for having a differing opinion, he has made me cry several times this week.

So my goal is to just let it all go, let them be pissy, I will ignore it all...or at least try to lol...

I want to make this change for a hundred reasons, but mostly due to my health...my blood preasure is crazy high, I am on 2 different pills for it, my heart is all messed up, has been for a long time, the doctor says I need to get rid of the stress, that I am soooo close to a heart attack, but its been so hard, my family just seems to be super pissy all the time. Ashley is a teen, shes gonna be cranky lol all teens are, its life...my mom is old mean and bitter, theres no fixing her, but Ken, well hes made at work and over money, but I have done nothing wrong, honestly, and him treating me like this has to change, hes suposed to support me, but he doesn't, just seems to always be mad at me...so for now on when hes cranky I am just gonna walk away, let him deal with it himself, after all its his problem, not mine.

So as of today (even though I have started and stopped this post for a few days now) I am going to try and just let go and live...to get back to me, to see all the good around me, and I am gonna go out and work in my garden and laugh as my goofy dogs still my cuttings and run around like the goofballs they are, I am just gonna try and relax and let go, today is a new day and its gonna be a good one :)