Being a mother

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Rajneesh

To me this quote is so true, I do feel as if the day Ashley was born was the day I came alive, I had purpose and reason. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world, trust me it is, but it is also the most rewarding, seeing your child grow into a beautiful, intelegant person with inner strength and determination, watching them teach the world all the things you taught them, it is truely the best feeling ever.

I don't know what its like to be a woman before a mom, I was a kid and a mom so I never experienced all the stuff I hear about, do I regret it? Not for 1 minute. My life was a mess before I had Ashley. I was a true hood rat, I lived in the hood and I was proud of it, embraced it, and was falling a part because of it. I was always in a fight, suspended from school all the time, Saturday school for a straight year, I was so fucjked up, you just don't know. When my friend was murdered I fell even deeper. I just stopped caring, what was the use...I had no purpose, I felt as if I was nothing.

I went to enlist...I felt it was the only way I was going to escape where I grew up, escape the the bullshit that goes with growing up like I did, I was truethfully running away. I went for my phisyical and they told me I was pregnant, I just sat there, and then I cried, not because I was upset, because I was so happy, that is honestly the day my life changed.

I still ditched school alot, but because I had morning sickness from hell, we were then living with my grandparents in transition to an apartment out of the ghetto, I was working my ass of, I wanted to make sure my baby had the best start, I wanted to make sure everything was good when she was born.

Don't get me wrong, life has not been easy, hell adding a child to the situation made life crazy, but with all the bad and bullshit, she was there, my little one, holding my finger, smiling, she made life easier just by being, she made things ok because I knew everything was for a reason...

Becoming a mom isn't for everyone, but it was the best thing for me, even when my cranky ass teenager rolls her eyes, storms off to her room, slams the door and cranks up the music, its still worth it lol...for every I hate you there are a million I love yous, for every heart ache, there is a huge hug, for all the pain there she is with a big ole band aide...I have said it since day one, I came alive the day Ashley was born, I became who I am because of her...

Ashley is my world, she is truely my everything, thats not just a saying with me, she truely is my happiness, she makes it easier to wake up everyday, she makes me fight through the constant pain, and even when my body is shut down, my heart is full and all is ok...and for me its all because I am a mom, I am thankful everyday for my baby girl, I am blessed beyond words...and I am so happy to be known as Ashleys mom, its not a trap to me, its a blessing :)

Love ya baby girl :)