Fitting In

I have never been the girl who "fit in" I was always the one who marched to the beat of her own drum, the one that dressed like no one, the one who befriended everyone regardless of all the social BS...but sometimes it can be pretty lonely not fitting in.

I don't fit in with my family. My family for the most part are uptight preppy types who are so selfish, they think about themselves before anyone else. Being forced to go to family gatherings sometimes feels like the worst form of torture. I am the black sheep, the one who fits none of their "molds" and I think thats why they all tend to treat me differently than each other. I used to try to be someone they liked, but I gave that up at an early age, but trust me it still can hurt when you show up and they all give you the fake hug and smile then walk away to laugh with each other...Being different is lonely.

School seemed like it lasted to long, and I didn't even finish it lol. I befriended everyone in High scool, all the social outcast were my friends, as were the cheer leaders, jocks, skaters and so on, but I tended to always gravitate towards the ones who needed a friend, to the people who sat alone and looked so sad, they were the ones who became my best friends. I knew how they felt, to be alone, only I was alone in a different way.

I have been to tons of shrinks, one of them was pretty cool, and one I nearly hit. I am pretty easy going, I don't tend to lose my temper easily, if I did man this house would drive me nuts. The lady I got sent to when I was a kid, she was so nice, she listened to me all the time, she never butted in and told me if I was right or wrong, she would just ask me how it made me feel, and then we would talk about doing things differently, how I would feel then, she was cool cause I never felt judged and she always let me work through things on my own, she was there if I needed her, but mostly she just sat with me...

Being sent to the male shrink a few years ago was horrible. My dad wanted me to talk to this guy to work through my anger towards him, I had to meet this stranger at the zoo...wierd huh? He was forever telling me how I should feel and what I was doing wrong...I did lose it with him, told him he was a jackass and I walked away, he was a joke.

All these peopel were trying to figure out why I didn't fit in, why the hell do I have to fit in, why can't others try to fit in with me, or better yet accept me as being different and embrace it? I am never going to conform to anyone elses idea of what a person should be like...never. I am me, lost, confused, goofy, loving, honest and a damn good mom...so I think I am a better person then the cookie cutter people I call family.

Sorry had to vent, I am just so tired of my family. Tired of always being there for them, always trying to make them happy, and not once...NOT ONE TIME have they ever been there for me...ahhh such is life I guess...

So I will continue to just be me, love me or hate me, just stop trying to change me!