Saddness

Ever have one of those days when a silly comercial can make you break down and cry? Read an article about a new baby, or some poor critter being hurt...really just anything, and you just can't handle it? Well today is that day for me.

For a few days now I have not been ok, I have been on edge, sad and just plain not there, but today seems so much worse. Everything is making me cry, and I feel so damn hopeless. I know I fight with depression, I have for years, but I have never felt like this. Its probably the holidays and finances and well hell my love life, more than likely its all that and so much more.

I am not a holiday person, I hate the holidays. I try so hard to make everyone around me happy, to make sure their holidays are amazing, but inside I dread it, I always have. I have no amazing memories associated with holidays, no happy memories...well excep tfor the first few years with Ashley :) come on now a baby/toddlers excitment over presents is contagious...but my mind still remember so many bad things and I can't errase them.

This year their is so much stress going on, so much anger and resentment, so much pain and sadness, how the hell do you overcome all that. I have no clue, right now I just feel so inadequate, like I have single handedly let everyone down.

Ashley never asks for much, and thats the trueth,, she seldom asks for anything, and when she does its usually something small. For christmas her list isn't much at all, but we just can't do it. We want to, hell we want to give her the world, but this year has kicked our asses and left us hurting. What little money we had we spent while she was very sick, meds and all of that...ouch.

What am I getting Ken for christmas? Nothing. Sorry, the secrets out. I have no money at all so what we can come up with will go on Ash and the 2 of us, well we will be ok, we always are...

I hate that I can't work, I hate it so bad. i am a teacher, I have always wanted to be and worked so damn hard to get there, hell I had to drag my toddler to classes with me so that I could get my damn diploma in both high school and college. I specialized in toddlers with special needs, I love my job, my kids...I miss it so bad. When I started getting sick I ignored the pain and tried to hide all the other crap, but as it got worse I knew I was in trouble. The dizzy spells that made me ill all the time, hell I couldn't walk staright for years, the pain that left me unable to move...I was in bad shape, then the docs put a hold on my licence since ya can't drive when theres like 5 white lines where there used to be one.

I could live without driving, hell Ididn't get my license til I was 22 anyways lol...but then they said I couldn't work with the kids since I was unprodicatable, I could fall while holding them, or have to run out of the room to be sick, they gave me tons of what ifs, and I understand, but its all I know how to do, its all I ever wanted to do.

What the hell can a dizzy, sick in pain girl goona do? What job will be flexable forsomeone whos always sick? There are none, so I am on disability, and I get so little, if I didn't live with my mom and have Ken and her helping I wouldn't be able to do it. I get 550 a month, thats it. 500 goes to rent and utilities...yup that leaves me with 50 bucks a month to get the small things Ash and I need and all that.

My mom is a big help, she is, she helps with so much, so does Ken...but I never ask them for anything unless I truelly can't go without it. So I have pretty much nothing, and I am ok with that, always have been, but I hate it for Ashley. Don't get me wrong she is spoiled, everything she asks for Ken and I find a way to get, maybe not right then, but eventually...and my mom gets her alot of what she wants.

Christmas is just hard on all 3 of us adults, we have all been hit hard. I know I am babbling and being a cry baby, but damn it its my blog and I can whine if I want to :P

I am also still pretty pissed that Ken has his stupid ex on his myspace, I think if he respected me at all he wouldn't have done that, hell he wouldn't have lied and hid their previous corrispondence either. I don't know this woman, but I hate her, I hate her so much, and I am not all that happy with Ken right now either. Seems like theres always some girl or website that is in between us and frankly I am getting tired of it, I am so done with letting him hurt me...I am just tired of all his stupid games.

I am in a pissy mood today, a ahhh woah is me state of mind...its the holiday blues I tell ya...

Anyways I am off to finish cleanin the house, maybe we can put up the bed we got for us 6 months ago, thats been sitting int he garage...damn time flies

anyways I am off to do my daily crap lol

Happy holidays to you

Bahhh Humbug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!