Sick

I have been battling the flu for a few weeks now, unfortunatly now Ashley has it, and she has it bad.

It was about this time last year that she got really sick and we ended up in the hospital, this year we seem to be beating the fever, for now...for 3 days it was above 101.8, usually at 102.6. We have kept fluids in her, she is now holding down food, she was craving a beerock lol...her thrat is still sore and she has no voice, but as of this evening her fever was normal.

It is so hard to see your children sick, so hard to feel helpless in relieving their pain...it broke my heart everytie she coughed and cried, or everytime she was heaving so hard her whole body hurt...I feel helpless because I am so used to being able to fix things for her, or I try, but when shes sick...she is beyond sick, she never has a little cold, she gets pnemonia...everything hits her so hard.

Ashley was born with almost no imune system, she was so small...slowly her immune system started to kick in, she will never have a normal one, but at least she was able to go a year without being sick, thats huge...It worries me even more when shes sick because I don't know how its effecting the pseudo ceribral brain tumor, I don't know if its making it worse or if nt at all, so the doctor will be called Monday, stupid long holidays!!!!

I am hoping and praying she gets over this quickly...

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Thanksgiving was nice, Ash was feeling bad, but the family was here and it was just nice to see my brother. David (my big brother) and his girlfriend Aubry were here, my grandparents and then my mom, Ken, Ash and I...it wasn't large, but it was nice. We all sat at he table togather, we laughed and talked...it was so nice, usually we spend this holiday at Kens parents, but this year Ash wanted to stay here, so we did, and I loved it :)

My Brother looked great, hes still pale and so skinny, but he was smiling...I always hope and pray that the docs were and are wrong about his outcome...I love him so much, without him I would never have survived my childhood, he was my protector, teacher, dad and the one who taught me all the fun tings to do to get in trouble lol...

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Everything else is ok...Ken and I are doing ok...I am hoping we can get over all the BS and just find that happy place lol...

One thing bothering me right now is his ex girlfriend on his myspace. The same one he shared those intimate phone calls he lied about, the emails that broke my heart, and now shes his friend on myspace...i wish he would just relieze how much hes hurting me all the dams time...

One day I was talking to his brother about her calling him and his brother told me she was Kens great love, that when she left him it nearly killed him, that he knows his brother would always love her...who the hell hurts another person like that? Who would tell someone that? I mean he saw I was hurting as it was, why watch me hurt more? I hate this woman I don't know. I hate that she came back into his life and talked all about their happy times, that she brought up all their shared intimacies...I hate her and I hate that he doesn't see how hes hurting me...I wish her no ill will, but I do wish a big ass hole would open up and swallow her and her family never to be heard from again...but not to be like hurt or anything lol...

Everytime I feel liek Ken and I are at the point were we can be happy something new happens, a new hurt...I am open with him, tell him everything...and alls he does is hide things and lie...ughhhh I wish he loved me the way I love him...

Who knows, maybe I am readig to much into it...I don't think so, but who knows....

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Well I am off to watch TV and wait for Ashleys next set of asprins...every 4 hours, even at night...uhhh I am so tired lol

I hope everyone had an amazin Thanksgiving, a time spent with family and friends :)