Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I hate christmas

I know that makes me a freak, but its true, it has been my whole life...

As a kid I hated it because all my friends got a ton of stuff and we would get one toy and socks...and the stocking was full of nuts and an orange...my friends would all have great things and me and David would feel lucky to get what we got, but my mom would scream at us the whole damn day saying we should be thankful (we never complained ever in front of her) she was so mean when ever a holiday came around, we started to dread them, but she was at her worst at christmas...

I don't like it now because it has a way of making you feel inept...when you can't afford to get your child the newest greatest toy...or afford to get anything for the nieces and nephews...or for Ken...it just makes me feel like I am a failure, and I do think it all relates to the way my mom treated it, I always wanted to make sure Ash never felt that way...but inside, I still hate christmas...I would just never let Ash realize it...

Things have not been to good for me...my mind is a dark scarey place that scares even me...it goes non-stop...I can't shut it off...I feel run down and all sad...all the damn time...I know I need meds, hell I need something, but that would mean I would have to talk about it...I am not ready for that...not sure when I will be...I come here to vent, I feel safe, shut away from my real world...I just could never share it all with the people here, they would never understand...

I am mad at someone, trying to hide it...I am not ready to say who yet just because I know they read here...but I am mad and hurt...lies do catch up with people...and sometimes shit lingers and festers till it bursts, I am almost there...

yeah I know this is a pissy post but hell I can do that right...I mean why act happy here when I can sort of just be myself here...

I will post again later...till then I truely hope everyone else is doing so much better than me...take care all and I do hope the holidays are amazing for all of my blogger friends...
Posted by Carie at 10:03 PM

2 comments:

Lois Lane said...

Honey, I don't think you need meds. I think you need a major change in your life. Family can begin a circle but it takes a strong person to break free from it and begin anew. California is too expensive, have you considered a move? How about fine tuning a skill so you and Ken have careers instead of jobs? It's really hard to break the circle, but it can be done. Takes money to make money isn't always true. See if there are services and organizations out there to help your family. If all the illegals there in Cali can get help, I'm sure if you try hard enough, you can too. Search online for a cheaper place to live. A place that has work available in yours and Ken's fields.
I'm suggesting all this because I was in that circle for most of my life. City living is too much, so off to the country we went.
As soon as the money factor lightened up (it isn't fixed completely, but it's a lot better than before) everything else in life seemed to fall into place.
With anything, if you are trying and trying and nothing good happens as a result, it's time to change tactics.
Sorry if I over stepped. I love you and Ash and want the best for you both.

7:17 AM
honkeie said...

Meds are an easy out to our problems, but not everyone needs them. the bes meds in the world come from talking to someone. I know that is hard, I know I am a guy and dont like talking about my feelings. I am the kind to let things fester and then blow up. But I have someone that helped me alot with this problem-the wife unit. She has helped me with getting to open up, the best therapy ever.
And I know all about the great hate for the holidays. I hate them for different reasons but some very similar. We have season depression because of things like this. People put way to much on one day and when it doesnt work out they freak. I have never been much into the holiday .....not me.

5:35 PM

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