Shhh

I am sitting here with my dogs trying to be very quiet as not to wake the people in my house.

My Grandma has been staying with us off and on because my wondering papa (truck driver since he could drive) went off on the truck (he retired 25 years ago yet never goes 1 year with out a few rides lol). I love my grandparents, I would do anything for them...but with the grandma here alot changes lol...but shes afraid to stay in her large house alone lol so she comes and sleeps on our couch lol...we offer her a bed but she likes the damn couch...

My small dog is just getting worse, I am so scared for her. We are now at the phase where we need to think of what is best for her...I had to put my life long best friend of 19 years to sleep almost 2 years ago...I am not sure I am ready for this. I will do what needs to be done for her, but its going to be hard. She is a 6 year old Yorkie that weighs 4 pounds. Penny is silly and funny and believes with all her heart that she is a big ass dog that can kick all the other dogs asses lol...I hear alot that my pets are just that...pets...but they are wrong, they are family. Each one is so special to me...even the evil damn fish that always gives me the mean ass look (betta does the whole fighting stance at me). I am a animal lover big time, I have always been surrounded by animals...wild ones that needed to be rehabilitated, homeless ones that just needed some love, rescued ones that broke my heart and all the ones in between...I will keep you updated on what the vet says is the best thing for my mini baby.

Ken is awaiting a pay raise...I am glad hes getting one cause he deserves it, but I am worried that if it isn't sugnificant hes going to be hurt. In his field here in town people are making 18-24 an hour and hes not close to that, he works hard, loves what he does and is on call every other week (means no vacations, special trips or any fun lol). He has been looking for other jobs lately because he wants to make enough to take care of our family...living here in Cali prices are stupidly high...rent in the ghetto is 1000 a month for a 2 bedroom 1 bath...its crazy!!! He deserves so much more...that and he needs to make more in order to race. He doesn't want some fancy NASCAR type car, just a street stock for the weekly racing...he has so much fun racing, the smile he gets lights up his whole face and I love that smile...

I am hoping he gets what he deserves and it relieves some of the stress he puts on himself!!!!!!!!!!!

We took Ashley shopping today for some warmer clothes...my mom got upset cause Ash wanted all black lol...I told her shes my baby and I am buying the clothes so she has no say lol...every kid needs to find their own style, their own unique look, and she is at the black phase. We got her 5 shirts and 2 coats and a sweatshirt almost all are black...there was a blue one and a dark red one lol. Next thing we need to get her is some new jeans...when she lost all that weight all her jeans became way to baggy, she wants some that fit nicer and are a little more 7th grader like lol. She is so beautiful it amazes me constantly. When she smiles my god it makes my heart melt...I seldom see my little baby girl in her any more, shes a little woman now, with these curves that are way to mature for her lol (yep thats the mom in me).

Ashley has had less headaches but shes having severe stomach problems again...I am almost positive that its all stress related, but we will know more tomorrow. I miss the little baby I rocked all night long, the toddler that held my fingers to keep her balance, the little girl who let me read to her every night...shes a smart, strong little woman...I am beyond proud of who she is becoming...and at the same time afraid of the new violent world I have to send her off into way to soon...I have baby fever right now, I want a baby to rock again, to hold, to fill my empty arms...yeah I even don't mind the diapers...I just miss it, that and I love being a mom, and I have always wanted more than 1...who knows maybe someday I will take the plunge, hell I am young still...but my birthday is in a few damn days, making me older again lol...

I am doing ok, still no sleep and still sick...but finding a little inner peace...its been hard on me and I will probably have to fight my whole life to find a balance, but I am trying...just not all the way there yet :)

I want to say sorry for not commenting as much, but I do read all the blogs every day...sometimes I just feel like I have anything to say to help...like what you have typed is so profound and heart flet I have a hard time finding the right words to say thank you for sharing or offering support...but I will work harder at it I promise :o)

Till we meet again...

Carie