Lost In Thought

Things have been rough around here lately...nothing dramatic or anything, just hard and tiring...

My health is defiantly getting worse, but I do go to the docs on the 10th so thats a step up...I am tired all the time, dizzy constantly and the pains are just getting worse...and damn it I want some serious sleep...things just feel so off in me. Where I got the IV and it flooded it left alot of bad side effects, my arm still hurts, there are large bumps in my veins and my fingers keep going numb, we went back to the hospital and they said it wasn't from the IV, did no tests and sent me away, man they suck...

I still feel things are off with Ken and I, he defiantly seems distant. There are times when I just give up and not talk at all...I am not sure whats going on, but he snaps at me alot, and has been "explaining things" to me like I was a 3 year old idiot...I miss what we had before, I know alot of problems have to be with me being sick, but not all of it, there is something going on with him and I just don't know what to do...

I used to go to bed the same time as him, cuddle and all that till he fell asleep and then I would get up and watch TV or whatever, but lately I haven't done so just because I am afraid I will cry when he puts the distance between us, he still holds me, but its not the same, I am not sure how to explain, he used to hold me and kiss my shoulder, and I felt safe, now it almost feels like he feels as if he has to hold me, like he doesn't really want to...so I don't go to bed till like 4 or so in the morning, I just feel like there are so many times he prefers it that way...

This might all just be the severe sleep deprevation in me or the depression making everything look bad, but I am trying to find ways to fix it, I just wish there was like a quick fix, snap of the fingers and all is ok...

I am going to be making alot of changes inside myself, I am also going to make an effort to get back in to shape, I need an outlet to try and work through my problems.

I don't talk to anyone in my real life about what I am going through, or the dark place my mind is in, I will not worry them, or put them through what goes on in my head...the things I think of scare the shit out of me so I can imagine what the others would think...no I will not hurt myself, nor do I want to, but I often think of how much better peoples lives could be without me, I think of all kinds of dark shit, no wonder I can't sleep...I have been fighting insomnia for over 12 years, and I mean bad insomnia, I have sleeping pills and everything, it just doesn't work...maybe if my mind would just shut off for a bit I could sleep, but when I try to sleep my brain starts working over time and I can't get it to stop...hell I even try to think of stupid songs in my head to get rid of the negative thoughts, yes I am crackin up here...they're coming to take me away oh no lol...

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Saturday we went to the local SPCA to give some things to the thrift store, so while we were there we went in to see the animals...it broke my heart...

the conditions were horrible, they sleep in these cages with no blankets, papers, toys or anything...just their pee and shit and food and water all on the cement...

so many of the dogs in there were elderly, over the age 8...but there was this german shephard in there that was like 14, he was a big boy, beautiful, when you looked into his eyes you could see this gentle giant had given up...for his whole life he was someones companion, loving them and protecting them, his owner passed away and the family couldn't be bothered to take him in, so off to the SPCA he goes...his reward for a lifetime of love is to be treated horribly and die alone, it broke my heart...

there were so many kittens in there it was sad, our local SPCAoffers free neutering and spaying for low income people and reduced prices for others, there really is no exscuse for not taking responsibility for their pets...I have 3 dogs and a cat, and I will tell ya if I could I would have so many more its not even funny...my dream is to have alot of land and to have all kinds of animals, all the ones that people throw away or think are less than perfect...I am an animal person, no I am not crazy over them, I would never dress them up or any of that crap, I know they are animals, but they are also a part of my family, they crack us up, protect us, love us unconditionally...hell even my fish is special, he ticks me off alot, but damn I like him, he hates me but thats ok, I will win him over eventually lol (hes a cranky ass beta that does the damn war hood thingy whenever he sees me) I feed the little shit, I never forget to turn the light on or off and I keep his tank clean, but whenever I walk by the shit head flares up at me...

I know I went off on a rant, I just wish people would take care of their pets, love them and care for them, its not hard to do...I live in the ghetto so you always see the ugly ankle biters running free cause people don't care...ugh some people suck!!!