A Little Scared

I am a little scared of the dark place my mind has been in...I am worried of the effects it could and may have on my loved ones. I have really bad old habbits, and I see some coming out, and it scares the shit outta me. I am in this place, this dark, evil place, and I am fighting like mad to get through it...

I have dreamt about dieing, seeing my family go one without me...I don't kid myself, I know things wouldn't be better for them, I am not dilusional, I see the pain, the sorrow and my baby needing me, there was a very small moment though when I felt relief that I could be gone, and that scared me...the depression is worse than it has ever really been I think...but I am fighting it, I am also looking for a doctor to help, I do believe that if my medical problems were fixed it would help, I mean my whole body is outta whack. I am in constant pain, feel drained all the time...I get dizzy, feel like I am going to pass out, I feel outta sorts within myself.

So I am fighting it, holding on to my happy places...Ashleys smile, her eyes lighting up when she sees me at 3:15 (coming home from school) her excitment about her first school dance...Ken and his smile, the way he looks at me like I am the only woman in this world, the way he holds me, the safe feeling I have in his arms...my pets, yup you heard me right...all 4 of my babies and even the damn fish...I love my dogs, they make me laugh so hard, they love me no matter what, they dance and goof off and I live for it, my sweet kitty who attacks my feet at 2 in the morning while I search in the dark for the restroom, or when she curls up on my chest, nearly caving it in under her weight lol, the sweet eyes that have a hard time focusing on me lol...I love my family, my pets...I love being who I am, and all at the same time I hate myself, irrational...probably, but its me...a walking contradiction at times.

Right now I am on antibiotics ad pain meds for an infected tooth...my wisdom teeth grew in like this - instead of like this l ...lol so I go in for oral surgery on the 31st...my mom is having knee surgery on the 5th of next month...ugh when it rains it pours...but we will survive...

I am sorry if I depressed you, I didn't mean to, I just need to vent, let it out...my safe place is here, a place where I can just be...well I am going to go lay down as I am pretty sick (damn tooth drained into my mouth, and now I have a infection in my tummy as well oh joy lol) that and Ashley has been home the last 2 days from school, low grade fever, cough and sore throat...so we are laying around, cuddling...and enjoying the time we have togather...with all our crazy animals...

Oh on a sad note, my 2 snails died...I know its just snails, but damn it I liked them, and they kept the tank clean...they were goofy and kept me well entertained, and the Betta is now all alone, so I must go find him a friend...poor Martin deserves to have some companionship...I will write more about the silly damn killer fish later...

Bye all :o)