Who Knows

I am in a rotten mood and I have no clue why...I guess I do, and at the same time I don't

I have had alot on my mind lately and I haven't handled any of it very well. I just feel really depressed and I am working on it, just being a bitch in the mean time :o(

I read alot of peoples blogs on here and I relate to most, some I read for the humor, others I read out of habit...I don't always leave a reply, just because I don't think my 2 cents is needed in most cases lol hell I never listen to myself so why should anyone else.

I read about a woman who found out shes sick, its so scary when you first find out, its hard to figure out how you are supposed to act...I say that because everyone else expects you to know just what to say and what to do to be ok...

The doctors are still trying to find out what is wrong with me...they have diagnosed me with so many different things, its been so freaking scary. When they tested me for MS and Lupus and all the other big names I was so scared I shut down...MS has not been ruled out but Lupus has...its hard to not know what the hell is wrong with you...not knowing what to do to feel better...

My mother, brother and father have all faught big battles with Cancer...My mom had breast cancer...5 years with no more lumps...thank god...my dad had testicular cancer(hes a drunk and does drugs so hes lucky that was all in my thoughts, his dad died a painful death as side effects) and my brother is still fighting...then theres me, I am falling apart and I tell noone...no need for them to worry...no need for them to know until I do right?

So the docs give me tons and tons of pills, and I take them all, different side effects for each one, to stop a different side effect...so I live on 36 pills a day and every time I go to the docs they add more...along with the pills is my breathing machine, supposed to do 3 times a day and 3 different inhalers...still can't breath but oh well

The person who wrote about being sick is pretty damn strong...its there in her writing, but I guess people didn't see that, they thought she was focusing on the negative...well hell for the first year I was sick I dwelt on the negative, I had to, it was in my face everyday, it took away all the things I loved, I had to learn to do things different...so go ahead deal with the negative, its ok lol but also remember the good parts, for me that was and is my little girl, when I get sick I just have to hear her little giggle to forget being sick...when my brothers chemo was way way bad he used to come over to play with my daughter...she has away of making us all feel ok, shes my world.

So do I sound retarded yet...probably but who cares...I am sick, whats wrong I have no clue, but I am dealing with it the best I can, as will she, just give it time :o)

Today has been a bad day for me, swelling, feeling icky and this damn cough...and its 105 outside blah...I hate the heat...I loved living in washington, it never got this hot or ugly lol...I hate living in a big town, I am a country girl, I want to own a ton of acres and have all kinds of animals and I want to have a pool that I can goof off with Ash in...it also has to have a big shop area for Ken so he can work on his race car, and hell if I can ever afford that we can afford one hell of a car for him right lol...you never know it may just happen some day :o) heres to dreaming.

I wonder if anyone else has a problem turning their brains off at night, I am still fighting insomnia...11 freakin years...I can't stop my damn mind from going on and on, even if its just songs going through my head, it never stops...and the ringing in my ear, its driving me nuts grrrrrrrrr

Anyways I am tired, bitchy and hot so I am off to take a very very cold shower, turn all my fans on and crawl back into my computer chair for a late night on the net...yet again