Feelings

I am often torn by my emotions, I feel like I can't trust them...hell based on my past I can't lol.

When I give my heart to them its only them, there is never any doubt, I fall completely...its not like I have a history of falling in love...but my heart is true till given a reason.

Ashleys dad destroyed me...killed a part of me that I can't get back...I trusted him, loved him and wanted nothing more to help him. He broke me piece by piece till the end. The physical abuse hurt and left me numb, the mental abuse bad me doubt myself in everything...the sneakyness and constant distrust just destroyed me.

He took a piece of me that I can never get back, the word no had no meaning to him, he hurt me in so many ways that I thought it had to be my fault, I had never met someone so mean as him so I belived him when he said I brought it out in him.

senior year of high school he took a city bus to be at my school at lunch to check up on me...I was with a large group of friends and since I was sick (morning sickness) my friend Greg was letting me lean against his shoulder...Isaac ran up and started a fight then dragged me home...it was hell...pure hell. He wanted me to have a baby since the begining...said it would make me his forever...he scarred me...I should have ran then...but I was so damn nieve that I believed everyone was good and that he really needed me cause he had no one...so I stayed, and held him through the bad times and took what he said I deserved the rest of the time.

I always said I would never let a guy hurt me...I was so sure of it, but he was in my head, I doubted everything and everybody...he destroyed who I was...

So now I have a very hard time dealing with my emotions...when I am hurt I never tell anyone, that would show them my weakness...When Ken says something that hurts I never tell him, I get quiet, but I never deal with it, and he doesn't do it to be mean I just am to sensitive to certain things...when I am mad at someething I hide it as well, I am afraid of the rage thats in me, it scares me...and when I just need someone to hold me I sit in the dark in a cornor and cry alone...I trust almost noone completely, and I know I will never allow someone to hurt me the way Isaac did...I can gurantee that...

So how do I trust my emotions when they have been so wrong, how do I learn to trust myself...to trust others.

I can say I trust Ken, and I do mean it, but there have been reasons to wonder and its been those small moments that have hurt me so bad, because I need him to be what I see him as...I need him to be that nice man that holds me so gently and always holds my hand...if it turned out I was wrong I would just never do it again...give my heart to a man...after Isaac I shut down for 7 years, no dating nothing...and before Isaac I was a kid a teen just learnign about dating...so Ken has had to deal with me learning things that most adult women know, and hes been great with me, and sometimes it scares me...I trust him so much and I depend on him for so much that I get scared I will be left out in the cold...

Emotions just are so hard for me to grasp...I really need to know where the hell I stand with myself, I need to do something to make myself ok, to learn to trust in myself...I will look into it, maybe even look for help...I just needed to vent and figure things out...I am drained now so good night