Kinda Lost

Hello just me again...I am writing because I have questions about love and what I am doing wrong...

Me and Ashleys dad split before she was born, and since I was so dedicated to raising her and not being hurt again I didn't date until I met Ken. The thing is I have little to no experience in the relationship world. Ken is a great guy and I love him...but there are times when I question what he really feels for me. He says he loves me and we have been togather for 3 years, but he does things that make me question if hes going to cheat on me or not...there have been numerous times we have had problems with adult dating sites...exscuses included...my brother used my account to create it, I was just looking at the pics, and I didn't know I had that. The thing is all of these were created after we were togather and one very recently. At lunch he goes home, and the thing is in his account he put that he was looking for discreet lunch fun with no strings attatched...thats a little specific for just looking at the pics. I love this man, and I try so hard to do things to make him happy...but am I being a fool and ignoring things just because its easier that way? I asked only one thing of him in this relationship and that was that if he wanted someone else just to walk away from me...just not to play me or hurt me.

I catch myself blaming myself for this. I say that its my fault he would look else where because I am not good enough, or not ummm wild enough or on and on...I think about it alot and it hurts alot because I never wanted any doubt to be a part of this relationship. I know he looks at porn and all of that...come on hes a man, what man doesn't...but the adult ads are a different thing all togather. I am scared that hes looking elsewhere and I am hurting alot. I am no good with talking things out because I have no experience of these things. I write things down alot in a journal I keep and I hope that by writing it will all work out, but I just don't get it...if I am not what he wants I wish he would just tell me...I love him and I am scared that I am losing him