Where to go...

Been awhile, life is crazy. Ashley is going to start college soon, her graduation was great :) hard to believe my little girl just turned 18. I am so proud of her, she is such a smart woman, and she is going to go so far in this world, I only wish I could have given her more through it all, but I hope she knows I love her beyond words and would do anything for her. She has had to deal with way more than your typical teen, so many people in her life sick, deaths, people running out...she has dealt with it all with such grace and she has stayed strong. I love her so very much and I am just so amazed that she came from me lol...that for the first time ever I did something right :) I am still reeling from the loss of Nancy, I cry constantly, I think of her at least 20 times a day, and I still jump when the phone rings...it hurts, it hurts so much. I just cant believe shes gone...it just hurts more than anything i have ever dealt with. I would give anything to be able to talk to her, hold her...make sure shes ok...life will never be the same. Theres alot going on inside of me, so much. I have no one to turn to, no one to talk to. Afraid to speak the words, people would be freaked out and worried. My health isn't good, the pain is the worst, but its the mental part that really messes with me. when you have been sick and in pain for all the years I have it takes a toll on you, and it screws up your thought process pretty badly. I go to a dark place in my mind, a place that scares me. I think of how much better peoples lives would be if I was gone, how they would be better off, I dont think its true, or not completely, but going there scares me. Sometimes I just want the pain and all of it to be done...no I wont kill myself, but its a lonely scary place, I no longer feel like me, I am worried, maybe I will talk to my new doctor. I just wish I had someone here to talk to, but no one here listens to me at all, they twist what I say and then tune me out, so feeling alone, its my constant companion. When everyone goes to sleep at night I just sit and cry, I cant control it, the stress of the day and all the pain, it overwhelms me. Ken is in a bad mood almost always, Ashley is stressed out and it comes off way mean, and my mom, well shes been who she is always and its not always pleasant, so I take all I can from them, then I just shut down and wait til I am alone, in the dark and I can just let it out...I just wish they could see how they treat me, I wish they could just maybe not take out all of their stress from their days on me...I know they dont mean to, but its getting harder and harder to handle, I am afraid I am going to break. I lost inside, stuck in a very dark place, and I am afraid of the dark...I will be ok, I always am...but til then I just feel like I have no where to go, no one to turn to, I shoulder everyone elses problems as well as my own and have no one to help carry the burden. I am sorry to be a downer, I am just a truly fucked up mess