To Much

Life has been so hard lately...I feel lost, empty...just so done.My Aunt Lou passed away a few days ago, she was an amazing woman, my grandmas sister, she had fiery red hair, a quick wit and a huge smile, she was endlessly patient and full of love. I am thankful she lived a long full life, I just miss her, and my grandma really misses her. This loss has mad my grandmas mental issues even worse, its been crazy hard to deal with, its just so sad.

My amazingly beautiful cousin Nancy was rushed to the hospital with appendicitis, had the routine surgery...a week later after numerous surgeries and such due to complications she is gone...this has hit us hard, she was 26 years old, so beautiful, so full of life. Nancy was one of those people that could light up a room when she entered, who became instant friends with nearly anyone, she was silly, funny and as close to an angel on earth as a person can get. 5 months ago she married the man of her dreams, I have never seen her so happy, she shinned, he loved her so much...it was the perfect wedding, and now shes gone. We were very close, when she was little I was her babysitter, and as she got older we became best friends, and she adored Ashley...she loved to antagonize the hell out of Ash, and Ashley gave as good as she got, they laughed all the time, Nancy was so proud of Ashley, she was setting up her vacation in order to be at Ashley's graduation...we aren't handling this well at all. I love her, and I keep expecting the phone to ring and have it be her using one of her fake voices to trip me up...then listen to her laugh cause she got me...I keep expecting my near daily emails to keep smiling...this world was a better place with her in it. I don't know how to live in a world thats shes not a part of. Its so hard because no one knows what the hell went wrong, the drs kinda shrug and say they don't know, hopefully more will be known after the autopsy...why did an incredibly healthy, vibrant 26 year old die from such a simple surgery...why did so many small mistakes get made...I am so so so angry and I don't know who to point that anger at. I have no one to talk to about it, my mom just cries, Ashley is having a hard enough time, and Ken doesn't seem to understand...I am lost, and I feel so empty, I cry constantly, I close my eyes and see her...I just want to know why she was taken from us. I am not religious, and I feel as if what little i believed in is gone, because I feel like a good god would never do this, would never destroy so many lives, would never take such a special person from us when there are so many pieces of shit out there...I am angry, sad, confused...worn out, mind body and soul.

then today my brother was arrested and it made huge news...to much...its to much...I am so scared for him, and pretty pissed that he never considers anyone but himself when he does stupid shit... ugh its to much, I am not sure I can handle all of this, I am not sure what to do...


I keep reminding myself to just breath, but even thats not easy...I just hurt...its just all to much for this heart broken girl